Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Where shame and fear reside

Where does shame reside?
And fear?
and feeling betrayed?
or abandoned?

We think they reside
in an event
in somebody's action
in our own behavior
and even our own self

We think that
the fear is mine
my fear
the shame is mine
my shame
the betrayal or abandonment
is mine
all mine

And believing this
we draw them in
into our minds and hearts
into our beautiful bodies
we cleave to them
and they become us

But then they feel bad
and wrong
and uncomfortable
so we flee from them
try to escape them
run run run away
to some place good
and calm and positive
and manageable

We don't like bad news
especially right here
right within us
so we drink
we drug ourselves
we kid ourselves
we attach to this theory
and that philosophy
we distract distract distract

We turn away
from our 'tainted' self
thinking salvation
is outside somewhere

And we would be lost
in this way forever
but for grace
and its messengers
exhaustion, courage and wisdom

It takes exhaustion
to stop running away
sheer exhaustion
lovingly forcing us to stop

It takes courage
to face the enemy within
the fear and shame
the abandonment
and betrayal

It takes wisdom
to drop all your weapons
to surrender
and to be led
deeper and deeper
not against the enemy
but with it and by it

For in the end
we find
that it is these
that we have called the enemy
which are the ideal companions
on this dark journey
the dazzling dark journey
into ourselves

As they lead us
beyond fear
beyond shame
and most importantly
beyond hope
to undivided love
untouched innocence
and dissolution
sweet dissolution

From here we see
with startling clarity
where the shame resides
and the fear
and the abandonment
and betrayal

They reside not inside
not in us
not outside
not in them or it
they reside in the way of looking
they reside in the perspective

The shame is felt
when we look at God
and find God wanting
the shame is felt
when we look at our self
and find we are less than God

The fear is felt
when we cut out
a piece of ourself
and believe it is the other
The fear is felt
in separation

The abandonment is felt
when we look at our self
and find it less than whole
We feel abandoned
in abandoning
our own wholeness

The betrayal is felt
when we look at our self
and choose to leave
for somebody else
or something
The betrayal is felt
in turning outside
in turning away

The mind- body
is an expression
of God
and like all expressions
it is limited

But where does
limitation spring from
We think and
we believe
that we are limited
because of a mistake
we made
or God made

When we look
through this perspective
we feel choiceless
like victims

But limitation
is no accident
It is the divine choice
to be
It is the divine emptiness
manifesting as
the particular
so that this amazing world
of experience
can be

Choiceless awareness
is the ground
and the womb
of choice and experience

So meet your self
your shame and fear
and betrayal
as the choice it is
look from here
from the wholeness that is
and so discover
discover limitless self
appearing as you
and all things


MeANderi said...

How deeply beautiful this is! It speaks to my heart and my current experience. "It takes exhaustion to stop running... to surrender and be led within...deeper and deeper into this dark journey, the dazzling dark journey into ourselves..." I will read these words again and again. Thank you ~ Christine...

linty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leslie said...

Hello Dear Ameeta,
Thank you for this beautiful post...what you, Christine and Genju write goes deep in to this heart. I pray I will be able to follow the feeling and meaning deeply.
With deep gratitude.