Undeniable Willingness

Grace is apparent
in the choicelessness
of the spiritual quest

There comes a point
when we can see
that we are being led
and there is no turning back

Mind may continue
to look back
and lean back
and feel frustrated
because it is unable
to follow its backward leaning

And grace holds
the space for this

Mind may totter
and teeter
like a child unsure
of its hold
on the ground

And grace holds
the space for this

Sooner or later
we learn to stand
where we are
and look forward
instead of backwards

Then what we can see
of the road ahead
may look empty
very empty

What we may live
on the road ahead
may seem empty
very empty

And so we fall
into despair
or depression
ito boredom
or restlessness
secretly hoping
maybe openly praying
for something
to come rescue us
maybe the same choicelessness
that led us here

And grace holds
the space for this

But everything that arises
feels half-hearted
neither choiceless enough
nor a choice without doubt
We feel stuck
and the grace that led us
seems to be in hiding

What if the grace
is not in hiding
but only different
from when we met it first?
Quieter, softer
less insistent
more subtle
drawing us deeper in
dissolving
the last remnants
of the separate self?

What if the grace
is opening us
into deeper surrender?
What if it is pointing us
to the choice inside
- the choice to surrender?

It is a subtle thing
this choice to surrender
It does not hit us
on the backs of our head
but beckons us softly
and we can feel it
in the heart
and in the belly

This is what we dread
sometimes
to be given a choice
to have to make a choice
We would rather
be clubbed awake
and have a great story to tell

But there is a time for that
and a time for this
There is choicelessness
and there is choice
If we cling to one
or the other
we feel half-hearted
dissatisfied
and we lose the big picture

Surrender is not
passive non-doing
waiting for grace
to hammer us awake
and hold us there;
waiting for teachers
and teachings
to crack us open
and keep us there;
that is laziness

Surrender is
active engagement
with one's very being
dynamic living
of what has been realized
staying awake
in the midst
of drowsiness
not from the force of will
but enabled by the grace
of our own
ultimately undeniable willingness