The exquisiteness of experience

When we experience something
is it necessary to own it?
is it necessary to attach to it?
to treat it as mine?

It's funny but we do this
with good and bad
experiences
with things
and with people
Mine mine mine
we say

Claiming ownership
comes naturally
to our human selves

There is nothing wrong
with ownership
except
just a bit of
clear observation
shows that
it causes problems
such as fear
of losing that
which we own,
among other things

And if the problems
are an ok price
for us
that is fine

At some point however
the price of ownership
is too high
and that's when
it may be useful
to unpack ownership
from experiencing

We kind of assume
that we need to
own our experience
but is it true?

We associate
not owning
our experience
with denial
and running away
but is it true?

It would be
running away
to deny the experience,
whatever experience
arises

It is denial
to distract ourselves
from the experience
whatever experience
shows up

But it is
eminently possible
to fully experience
something
without owning it

This is not denial
or running away
This is facing up to
our reality
in the moment
exactly as it is

Herein lies
the exquisiteness
of all experience
When it is not owned
and yet gone through
when it is not claimed
and yet opened to
it is clean
leaving no residue
it is adventure
leaving no trace
it is fresh
leaving no identity
wrapped up
in the one
who owns it

What would it be like
to live life
going fully through
every single moment
of every single experience
without owning any of it?

Undeniable Willingness

Grace is apparent
in the choicelessness
of the spiritual quest

There comes a point
when we can see
that we are being led
and there is no turning back

Mind may continue
to look back
and lean back
and feel frustrated
because it is unable
to follow its backward leaning

And grace holds
the space for this

Mind may totter
and teeter
like a child unsure
of its hold
on the ground

And grace holds
the space for this

Sooner or later
we learn to stand
where we are
and look forward
instead of backwards

Then what we can see
of the road ahead
may look empty
very empty

What we may live
on the road ahead
may seem empty
very empty

And so we fall
into despair
or depression
ito boredom
or restlessness
secretly hoping
maybe openly praying
for something
to come rescue us
maybe the same choicelessness
that led us here

And grace holds
the space for this

But everything that arises
feels half-hearted
neither choiceless enough
nor a choice without doubt
We feel stuck
and the grace that led us
seems to be in hiding

What if the grace
is not in hiding
but only different
from when we met it first?
Quieter, softer
less insistent
more subtle
drawing us deeper in
dissolving
the last remnants
of the separate self?

What if the grace
is opening us
into deeper surrender?
What if it is pointing us
to the choice inside
- the choice to surrender?

It is a subtle thing
this choice to surrender
It does not hit us
on the backs of our head
but beckons us softly
and we can feel it
in the heart
and in the belly

This is what we dread
sometimes
to be given a choice
to have to make a choice
We would rather
be clubbed awake
and have a great story to tell

But there is a time for that
and a time for this
There is choicelessness
and there is choice
If we cling to one
or the other
we feel half-hearted
dissatisfied
and we lose the big picture

Surrender is not
passive non-doing
waiting for grace
to hammer us awake
and hold us there;
waiting for teachers
and teachings
to crack us open
and keep us there;
that is laziness

Surrender is
active engagement
with one's very being
dynamic living
of what has been realized
staying awake
in the midst
of drowsiness
not from the force of will
but enabled by the grace
of our own
ultimately undeniable willingness

In the world and not of it

In the realm of thinking mind
our beliefs
shape our experience
and our experience
is our reality

With even one foot
firmly beyond thinking mind
something else starts
invisibly
to erode our beliefs
and change our experience

Then there is a point
when our reality
is independent
of our beliefs
and incredibly
independent of our experience!

And then so long as
we don't dissociate from life
but stay grounded
and allow our hearts
to be touched
by experience anyways

So long as we can laugh
and cry and express
our humanness freely,
we are the miracle
of the divine
living the human life
we live the miracle
of being in the world
but not of it