Self discovering self

Inseparable

2012-01-13T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hey you
apple of my eye
delight of my heart
essence of my being

There is nothing
about you
that can miss
my love

There is nothing
you can tell
that I
wouldn't hear

There is nothing
you can show
that I don't
want to see

There is no
darkness anywhere
untouched
by my light

And yet
you may remain
dark
if you wish
you may hide
if you like
you may run
if you please

There is no choice
you can make
that isn't
mine also

There is no dance
you can dance
that I won't
dance with you

Dearest one
remember this
when it is time
and know your home
as the inseparable
where you and I
reside as one

True self interest

2011-12-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

When I care
a great deal for myself
and very little for others
it is only
temporarily satisfying
because
all too quickly
I end up
feeling lonely
and disconnected
from the wellbeing
of the whole

Equally though
when I care
a great deal for others
and too little for myself
it is only
temporarily satisfying
because
I end up
feeling disempowered
and depleted
and less than whole

True self-interest
lies not
in one or the other
but rather both
caring for oneself
and caring for others
but not because
this sounds like
a good idea

Looking from
the sophisticated head
this caring for both
is balanced, logical
and attractive

Looking from
the sophisticated head
is not enough
it is only
temporarily satisfying

It is possible to
venture outside
our comfort zone
venture outside
our automatic response

Look from the heart
Look from the experience
in the heart

True self-interest
is for the benefit of
true self

True self
is the whole
True self is not
just the union
of two separate beings
- myself and other

True self
is myself
as the other

How can suffering exist
in a world
of true self-interest?

Infinite Grace

2011-09-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

No matter what happens
I am held
What relief it is
that I need not find the next step
What love it is
that the next step finds me
What joy it is
that what needs to be done is done
What comfort it is
that tears are welcome and so are smiles
What peace it is
to let go into God and find God everywhere

Gratitude pours out
and envelops me
in its grace
Blessed I am
Blessed we are
and blessed is life

Words

2011-08-28T02:21:00.000-07:00

Once a gift is given
to you
what you do with it
is your business

If you learn
from my words
I am
your teacher

If you are served
by my words
I am
your servant

If you are reminded
by my words
I am
your reminder

If you are confused
by my words
I am
your puzzle

If you anger
at my words
I am
your nuisance

If you hate
my words
I am
your enemy

If you are repelled
by my words
I am
your darkness

Whatever your response
I am
honored to be
your idea of me

And what I am
truly
cannot be touched
by you
or me
or anything

What I am
is
what You are
when
everything
drops

What I am
is
what You are
when
nothing
drops

What I am
is You
except
in thinking mind

Meet me, dear one
where the words end
and something else
begins

Meet me, dear one
where nothing separates us
and I am
You

Fearless Freedom Functioning

2011-08-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

There is a world of difference
between resting
in the emptiness
as a stance
or strategy
towards an endgame
and resting
in the emptiness
in reality

Be aware
of that within you
which would subvert
even God
to suit a human agenda

Be aware
of that within you
which would use
even emptiness
to fill a gnawing
at the soul

Even the highest
spiritual ideal
is corruptible
in the mind
that prides itself
on its own
power and control

Resting in emptiness
there is no need
to fix anything
not because
nothing is broken
but because
broken is only
a perspective
in the mind

Resting in emptiness
there is no need
to do anything
not because
there is nothing
to be done
but because
there is no one
to do it

From this emptiness
that is nothing
and needs nothing
comes all doing
and from resting
in this emptiness
comes the doing
beyond mind's understanding
pure joy in doing
love manifest
fearless freedom functioning

Where stories surrender sweetly

2011-07-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

We are bigger
than the stories
of ourselves
so dear to our hearts

For years
and even lifetimes
we are bound
by and in our stories

For years
and even lifetimes
we dance together
in each other's stories

Holding each other back
in a common pact
we stick to our stories
and limit our lives

Only one of us
needs let go
of his story
and we are all freed

Freed of the future
and freed of the past
Freed of the pretense
Freed at last

Only one of us
needs let go
of her story
and we are all freed

Freed to hold
stories still
but in our laps
like dear children
without believing
their tales
of monsters under our beds
or Santa in his sled

Grieve not
for lost stories
rather rejoice
in the space
they leave behind
space for existing stories
to breathe easier
and live lighter
till they too
surrender sweetly
to the pulsating emptiness
waiting to turn a new page

Grieve not
for lost bonds
for the only bonds
that can be lost
are in passing stories
rather rejoice
in the truth
where nothing is lost
where love resides
and the one cannot be torn from itself

Authentic self-discovery

2011-06-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

Most good teachings
spoken of by
some good teachers
come from
what is truly experienced
by the teacher,
come from
that which has been gone through
and thus gone beyond

When we receive
these teachings
we tend to
value the going beyond
way more than
the going through

So we take the teachings
and try to use them
to go beyond
without going through

There is nothing wrong
with this
except that it is
inherently dissatisfying
in one's own being
to borrow another's realization
for we can never quite trust
what is borrowed
to stay

And it is dissatisfaction
and discontent
that keep us
from realizing
what we already are
in the first place!

So we can use
the teachings differently perhaps
more as a hypothesis
to check out in
our own experience

In this way
is authentic self-discovery
made possible

The exquisiteness of experience

2011-05-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

When we experience something
is it necessary to own it?
is it necessary to attach to it?
to treat it as mine?

It's funny but we do this
with good and bad
experiences
with things
and with people
Mine mine mine
we say

Claiming ownership
comes naturally
to our human selves

There is nothing wrong
with ownership
except
just a bit of
clear observation
shows that
it causes problems
such as fear
of losing that
which we own,
among other things

And if the problems
are an ok price
for us
that is fine

At some point however
the price of ownership
is too high
and that's when
it may be useful
to unpack ownership
from experiencing

We kind of assume
that we need to
own our experience
but is it true?

We associate
not owning
our experience
with denial
and running away
but is it true?

It would be
running away
to deny the experience,
whatever experience
arises

It is denial
to distract ourselves
from the experience
whatever experience
shows up

But it is
eminently possible
to fully experience
something
without owning it

This is not denial
or running away
This is facing up to
our reality
in the moment
exactly as it is

Herein lies
the exquisiteness
of all experience
When it is not owned
and yet gone through
when it is not claimed
and yet opened to
it is clean
leaving no residue
it is adventure
leaving no trace
it is fresh
leaving no identity
wrapped up
in the one
who owns it

What would it be like
to live life
going fully through
every single moment
of every single experience
without owning any of it?

Undeniable Willingness

2011-05-16T09:33:00.001-07:00

Grace is apparent
in the choicelessness
of the spiritual quest

There comes a point
when we can see
that we are being led
and there is no turning back

Mind may continue
to look back
and lean back
and feel frustrated
because it is unable
to follow its backward leaning

And grace holds
the space for this

Mind may totter
and teeter
like a child unsure
of its hold
on the ground

And grace holds
the space for this

Sooner or later
we learn to stand
where we are
and look forward
instead of backwards

Then what we can see
of the road ahead
may look empty
very empty

What we may live
on the road ahead
may seem empty
very empty

And so we fall
into despair
or depression
ito boredom
or restlessness
secretly hoping
maybe openly praying
for something
to come rescue us
maybe the same choicelessness
that led us here

And grace holds
the space for this

But everything that arises
feels half-hearted
neither choiceless enough
nor a choice without doubt
We feel stuck
and the grace that led us
seems to be in hiding

What if the grace
is not in hiding
but only different
from when we met it first?
Quieter, softer
less insistent
more subtle
drawing us deeper in
dissolving
the last remnants
of the separate self?

What if the grace
is opening us
into deeper surrender?
What if it is pointing us
to the choice inside
- the choice to surrender?

It is a subtle thing
this choice to surrender
It does not hit us
on the backs of our head
but beckons us softly
and we can feel it
in the heart
and in the belly

This is what we dread
sometimes
to be given a choice
to have to make a choice
We would rather
be clubbed awake
and have a great story to tell

But there is a time for that
and a time for this
There is choicelessness
and there is choice
If we cling to one
or the other
we feel half-hearted
dissatisfied
and we lose the big picture

Surrender is not
passive non-doing
waiting for grace
to hammer us awake
and hold us there;
waiting for teachers
and teachings
to crack us open
and keep us there;
that is laziness

Surrender is
active engagement
with one's very being
dynamic living
of what has been realized
staying awake
in the midst
of drowsiness
not from the force of will
but enabled by the grace
of our own
ultimately undeniable willingness

In the world and not of it

2011-05-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

In the realm of thinking mind
our beliefs
shape our experience
and our experience
is our reality

With even one foot
firmly beyond thinking mind
something else starts
invisibly
to erode our beliefs
and change our experience

Then there is a point
when our reality
is independent
of our beliefs
and incredibly
independent of our experience!

And then so long as
we don't dissociate from life
but stay grounded
and allow our hearts
to be touched
by experience anyways

So long as we can laugh
and cry and express
our humanness freely,
we are the miracle
of the divine
living the human life
we live the miracle
of being in the world
but not of it

The Divine Mess of Life

2011-04-18T08:36:00.001-07:00

We have
such a human addiction
to perfection!

We chase perfection
as our highest ideal
we hope that some day
we will get there
by one means
or another

Meanwhile
we screw up
again and again
and we notice
every imperfection
there is

We notice
when the world is imperfect
when life is imperfect
when everyone is imperfect
when we are imperfect

But just one
tiny glimpse
of what we truly are
shows us something
quite incredible

We come from perfection
we come from fullness
we come from wholeness
and yet here we are
in this limited package
called human form

This human form
is born
but alas it also dies
and before that
it falls sick
it suffers heartbreak
and much worse besides

This human form
is certainly not perfect

This human form
can see how much
of creation
is other than human form

This human form
is certainly not complete
This human form
is certainly not everything

Throughout its life
this human form
is searching, seeking
looking for something
it thinks it does not have,
constantly trying
to fill a lack

This human form
is certainly not whole

So this human form
imperfect, incomplete
and divided,
justifies its lust
for perfection

But something
is lopsided here
what comes from perfection
does not need to seek it
what comes from fullness
does not need to seek it
what comes from wholeness
does not need to seek it

There is no need
to chase perfection;
there is nothing
to be gained there
that isn't already here

There is no need
to chase perfection;
it is not meant
to be found
in this human form!

Now everything
can look different
This human existence
can be experienced
without trying
to make it perfect!

This human existence
can be enjoyed
without comparison
to a perfect ideal
It can be allowed
to unfold
simply as it does
without judgement
and resistance

We are not imperfection
come into human form
to seek perfection
in this human life

We are perfection
come into human form
to explore and love
imperfection
as our own self

What love this is!
Unconditional love!
Love that does not need
anything to be other
than what it is
Love that allows
everything to be
what it is

What love it is
to receive this love
What love it is
to give this love
What love it is
to be this love

Not needing anything
this love is dynamic
Not needing anything
this love spawns universes
Not needing anything
this love acts

And this human form
flawed and born from love
bows down low
in deep gratitude for
the divine mess of life

What dies?

2011-03-28T19:46:00.001-07:00

We build and build
and build up
ourselves

We accomplish
and say
I did it
we achieve
and say
I did it
we acquire
and say
I did it

We diet
and say
I have control!
We exercise
and say
I have control
We deny ourselves
and say
I have control

We look good
and say
I am beautiful
We dress well
and say
I am beautiful

We are kind
and say
I am good
We help someone
and say
I am good
We are compassionate
and say
I am good

We remember God
and say
I am very good
We are pious
and say
I am very good
We pray and fast
and say
I am very very good
We engage spiritually
and say
I am the very best! :)

Ah but how much
of this I
this successful, very good, spiritual
self
can we take
to our death?

Isn't death
the end of that
built-up I?
Isnt death
the loss of
everything I?
Isn't that why
we fear death?

And isnt that why
we fear life?
Because we know
it is possible
to lose it all,
to lose the built-up I?

Perhaps
there comes a time
when we
might pause
in this building up
of I
and ask
What am I
if I don't
build myself up?
What am I
just as I am?
What am I
just as I was?
just as I have
always been?

What lives
and what dies?

Perhaps then
we can face death
in life itself
Perhaps then
as the Buddha said
we can die
before we die
and so finally
live once and for all

Don't seek to know

2011-02-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

Don't seek
to know
what you are
You could seek
forever
and still not know
the unknowable

Seek instead
to untie
the knot
that has you believe
you cannot be
what you are

Don't seek simply
to know
the truth
and stop there
for what we can know
is always partial
and cannot satisfy
our thirst for fullness

Seek instead
to untie
the knot
that has you believe
that you cannot live
what you are

And when
the knots untie
themselves
seek nothing
only be what you are
live what you are
and so know
yourself

There is room

2011-02-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

What distresses you
my friend?

Isn't it mostly
what your mind says
should not be?

The mind says
it should not be
and yet it is

There is room
you know
there is room
in the heart
for what the mind
won't allow

There is room
in the heart
for what the mind
can't understand

There is room
in the heart
for every
contradiction
and conflict
for every pair
of opposites
to co-exist

No no
shouts mind again
it is wrong
and I won't allow it

There is room
in the heart
for all of
shouting mind

There is room
in the heart
for reality
as it is

Recognize
your open heart
my friend
and receive life here
Receive life
in this home of love
and know your heart
as the birthplace
of everything

Just as you are

2011-02-04T07:15:00.000-08:00

We worry
about being better
and kinder
or perfect

We worry
about being more active
more devoted
or working harder

We worry
about being more spiritual
enlightened
more embodied!

Can we hear
the little voice
in the midst
of all the worrying?

The voice that
only whispers
yet is so sure
and presents itself
without fanfare

The voice that says
It's not all about you
sweetheart
Enjoy the air
and the sky
and the birds
and the trees
and the ground
under your feet
always the ground
under your feet
You are bigger
than you know
by far
and loved
oh so loved
just as you are

Fearless freedom functioning

2010-11-18T12:02:00.000-08:00

We are each here
to express our truth

For a while there
I thought
my truth
is not true enough
if it can be overridden by another
or ignored
or dismissed
or rejected

I thought
this pointed
to a flaw
in my truth

But my only responsibility
is to speak my truth
what others make of it
is their responsibility

I thought truth
has to be omnipotent
undefeated
unopposed
totally disarming
anything less
is just not the truth

But the power of truth
is fully its own
untouched
by outward action
by outward attitude
or reaction
incapable of being hurt
or compromised

Untouched
but not because
it won't let itself
be touched
Untouched
because
no matter what
it meets outside
and even meets fully
it cannot lose itself

I thought truth
cannot be walked over
or trampled
only the weak
and the powerless
can be wiped out
this way

But I forgot Jesus
I forgot what he gave
and what he received
on the cross

Even overpowered by ignorance
and outstripped by fear
the truth responds
with love

Walking up to
certain crucifixion
allowing fear to explode
into such emptiness
that each moment
each step
each blow
is received
in great innocence
without preconception
allowing
each moment
to die
into the next

Nothing and nobody
is held onto
and what is born
from such emptiness
arises from love
in love
as love
to love
It cannot
be known
in advance
but leaps into being
to serve
all there is

Jesus is
love manifest
fearless freedom functioning

Where shame and fear reside

2010-11-09T15:13:00.000-08:00

Where does shame reside?
And fear?
and feeling betrayed?
or abandoned?

We think they reside
in an event
in somebody's action
in our own behavior
and even our own self

We think that
the fear is mine
my fear
the shame is mine
my shame
the betrayal or abandonment
is mine
all mine

And believing this
we draw them in
into our minds and hearts
into our beautiful bodies
we cleave to them
and they become us

But then they feel bad
and wrong
and uncomfortable
so we flee from them
try to escape them
somehow
run run run away
to some place good
and calm and positive
and manageable

We don't like bad news
especially right here
right within us
so we drink
we drug ourselves
we kid ourselves
we attach to this theory
and that philosophy
we distract distract distract
ourselves

We turn away
from our 'tainted' self
thinking salvation
is outside somewhere

And we would be lost
in this way forever
but for grace
and its messengers
exhaustion, courage and wisdom

It takes exhaustion
to stop running away
sheer exhaustion
lovingly forcing us to stop

It takes courage
to face the enemy within
the fear and shame
the abandonment
and betrayal

It takes wisdom
to drop all your weapons
to surrender
and to be led
within
deeper and deeper
not against the enemy
but with it and by it

For in the end
we find
that it is these
that we have called the enemy
which are the ideal companions
on this dark journey
the dazzling dark journey
into ourselves

As they lead us
beyond fear
beyond shame
and most importantly
beyond hope
to undivided love
untouched innocence
and dissolution
sweet dissolution

From here we see
with startling clarity
where the shame resides
and the fear
and the abandonment
and betrayal

They reside not inside
not in us
not outside
not in them or it
they reside in the way of looking
they reside in the perspective

The shame is felt
when we look at God
and find God wanting
the shame is felt
when we look at our self
and find we are less than God

The fear is felt
when we cut out
a piece of ourself
and believe it is the other
The fear is felt
in separation

The abandonment is felt
when we look at our self
and find it less than whole
We feel abandoned
in abandoning
our own wholeness

The betrayal is felt
when we look at our self
and choose to leave
for somebody else
or something
The betrayal is felt
in turning outside
in turning away

The mind- body
is an expression
of God
and like all expressions
it is limited

But where does
limitation spring from
We think and
we believe
that we are limited
because of a mistake
we made
or God made

When we look
through this perspective
we feel choiceless
like victims

But limitation
is no accident
It is the divine choice
to be
It is the divine emptiness
manifesting as
the particular
so that this amazing world
of experience
can be

Choiceless awareness
is the ground
and the womb
of choice and experience

So meet your self
your shame and fear
abandonment
and betrayal
as the choice it is
look from here
from the wholeness that is
and so discover
gloriousness
discover limitless self
appearing as you
and all things

Pain

2010-10-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Who knew
that pain
could be
such a companion

so moody
so demanding
so ready to tear me
apart

so loyal
so committed
so ready to hold me
in its embrace
over and over
and over again

so present
so exquisitely present
that I cannot avoid it
miss it
ignore it
or transcend it

so I do
the only possible thing;
I turn to it
again and again
I submit to it
be with it
be it

What was I
afraid of?
This pain is
a friend

This now

2010-10-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

I am alone
but not lonely

I am empty
but not without

I am single
but not unwedded

I am constant
but not changeless

I am flow
but not without stillness

I am everything
but not without nothing

What am I?

I am you
I am you
We are one
We are that
Not even that
Just being
Just this
this now.

Love Manifest

2010-08-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

What is love?
It is the seeing
of everything
simply as it is
without needing
to embellish it
or make it over
or change it in any way

What is love?
It is the being
with everything
simply as it is
without needing
to make it better
or make it look good
or tone it down in any way

Love manifest
is the human heart
beating strongly
quivering lightly
sustaining everything
by its fragile being

Love manifest
is the human heart
ready to live
ready to die
ready to plunge headlong
into what it knows not
for no other reason
than that is what it is
Love manifest

About thought

2010-07-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

We think that
underneath each thought
lies an objective reality

We think that
a thought is actually
mind's articulation
of an underlying reality

We think that
thought is an outward
manifestation
of something that is actually there

In this way
we invest thought
with power
beyond its means

In this way
we create and inhabit
the world of virtual reality

Sure enough
thought-land is
a full-fledged mirage
capable of producing 'real'
feelings and sensations
But how real
is a mirage?
And is there not
something beyond a mirage
something that sees
the mirage for what it is?

A thought is only
a thought
nothing more
and nothing less

It can be as powerful
as a storm
when we invest in it
and as innocent
as a breeze
when we don't

The only thing
that lies underneath thought
is more thought
It's like there is
a bottomless thought cloud
floating about -
thought sustaining
more thought

Just like it is impossible
to exit a mirage
from any action taken
inside the mirage
so it is impossible
to exit thought-land
by means of a thought

Entering and exiting a mirage
happens by means
of that which is outside
the mirage

Entering and exiting thought-land
happens by means
of that which is beyond
thought

If life has brought
you to these words
and others like them
then you are already being nudged
by what is outside thought

Trust in that
to complete its work
without you
Simply step out of its way

To digest Buddha

2010-06-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

When we admire beauty
from a distance
it feels good and safe

When we discover that beauty
to be ourself
it is sublime

We spend too much time
singing the praises
of beauty outside us
bowing to the divinity
of gods and masters outside us
quoting the great ones
to feel a tenuous connection

Perhaps now we can see
how unsatisfactory that is
like licking one's lips
watching another eat

Perhaps it is time now
for that great invisible non-existent chasm
to collapse

Perhaps it is time for you and me
to find the courage
to digest our own Buddha

Separation

2010-05-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

Separation is a thin line
albeit very insistent
that says
I am this and therefore
not that
or I am this because
I am not that

But that line is erasable
It is tenuous
Don't assume that it
is your destiny forever
So question it sometimes

There is nothing so exclusive
that it can shut out
everything else
Separation is only a construct
in mind

When separation dissolves
we are open to being this one here
without being closed
to being that one there
for we are bigger than each of those
We are the infinity within which they arise

Knowing

2010-05-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am the ground
I am the root
I am the trunk
I am the branch

I am the twig
and the leaf
at the farthest end
of the twig

I am so far
from the ground
so far
from the root

Yet as the tiny leaf
distinct from other leaves
and twig and branch
fragile and alone
I am connected
at all times
to the root
and something here knows that
undeniably, anavoidably, always

Tree of being

2010-05-13T06:33:00.000-07:00

Solidly rooted
deep in the
primordial ground
of being

I move towards
the open skies
through trunk
and branches

Waving with the breeze
dancing with the storm
Sprouting leaves and flowers
Offering myself fully

Sweet being

2010-05-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

Beingness cleaves itself
over and over again
so it may be aware
of itself
see itself
hear itself
taste itself
experience itself

Beingness cleaves itself
into seer and seen
so they may connect
via seeing
into listener and sound
so they may touch
via listening

Beingness cleaves itself
into you and I
so we may love each other
so beingness may love itself

And sweetest of all
beingness cleaves itself
so we may know
ourselves as beingness
so beingness may know itself
as beingness!

What else is here?

2010-04-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

There is a time
in life
for problems
to be solved

This is but mind
unraveling itself

Then there is a time
in life
for a shift of attention
and for the question
to arise
What else is here?

What else is here?
besides the problem
besides the desire to solve
and besides the solution
if there is one

This is awareness
seeing itself
as mind and beyond mind

This is awareness
seeing itself as that
which holds mind

No need to be rid
of problems
No need for resolutions
They can be around or not

Something is more interested
in what else is here
beside the problem
and the solution

The time for solving
and the time for a shift
can be in any order
or even alternate for a while

Life lets us know
when it is time for what.

Flow

2010-04-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

In the paradox
that is life
there is a tendency
to stagnate
again and again,

a tendency
for the water of being
to become little
cesspools -
stale and repetitive

And simultaneously
life in every moment
flows like a river
clearing out all stagnation

not as a static idea
but as a continual
dynamic flow
that is NOW

When the mind opens
to this dynamic now
gratitude arises
for stagnation and flow

Beyond imagination

2010-04-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

In order for the new
to be born
the old must be let go of
completely

While the old is held on to
the only new that can appear
is a reconfiguration
of what has been

The ten thousand things
can be endlessly recombined
into what the mind
marvels at as new

The ten thousand and first
comes from the willingness
to leave the land
of the ten thousand

Beyond imagination
beyond imagination

Temple of Isness

2010-03-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

We wander all over
with the mind
in the mind

We come home
to this body
in this body

This body is
reality in form
Temple of isness

This moment is God

2010-03-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

Life presents this moment
and in the mind
we say it is this way:
good, bad and
a whole host of other labels

And mind says
this is not how it should be;
this moment -
it should be better
and different

And so we have this moment
but we don't taste it
pulled away from it
by mind's ideas
of how it should be instead

Then perhaps we are drawn
to something beyond mind's words
and we fall deeply in love
with this moment
just as it is

Oh the profound joy of it
The unbreakability of it
The wholeheartedness of it
The fulfillment of it
This moment is God!
God is but this moment!

When Sorrow visits

2010-03-16T14:25:00.000-07:00

Have you had someone visit
from the Sorrow family?
Did you allow him in at all?
Perhaps you did, but reluctantly?

The Sorrow family has a bad name
Perhaps you have experienced
this sometime in an earlier visit?

So when he smiled, you didn't
And when he offered a hand
you didn't take it
And when he gave a hug you held back?

Perhaps you tried to figure out
how this recent visit
was related to others in your past?

Perhaps you started remembering
how others in your family
were hurt by some
among the Sorrows?

Perhaps you tried to analyze
if somehow you had invited
quite inadvertently,
this unwanted guest into your home?

And in all this flurry of thought
lost in your own world
you didn't even sit this Sorrow down
nor offer him some tea
or learn anything about him alas

Perhaps this one was nothing
like his family at all
Perhaps he had no bad intentions
but simply stopped by, passing through
seeking only to embrace you
for a moment?

Perhaps you might
have enjoyed his visit
and made a friend,
never needing to fear
another Sorrow again

Already this

2010-02-22T15:08:00.000-08:00

There is no moment
when this is not

There is no place
where this is not

There is nobody
Who this is not

This cannot be given us
Nor taken from us

So what comes between
You and this?
What insists
I am not this

Only a voice
in the head
That is already this
through and through

Coming from wholeness

2010-02-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

We are wholeness
exploring separation
through mind

and not separation
seeking wholeness
in mind

Unearned love

2010-02-04T08:21:00.000-08:00

Something is afraid to fall
into this love
that is so steady
and so unearned

Something can't accept
this okness
that is so everpresent
and so unconditional

Something says
I'd be a fool
to let down my guard
so completely

Something says nothing
could be that constant
and be relied on
so absolutely

Afraid of being hurt
by its own innocence
something wears a mask
of continual mistrust
viewing everything
through narrow slits
fashioned by fear

What will it take
to let oneself slip
into the ocean of love
that is oneself?

Uncondtional love

2010-01-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

We look for
unconditional love
in being loved

But unconditional love
is in the loving
of everything

The undivided attention
to what is
right now

The elephant in the room

2010-01-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

There's an elephant in the room
We know there is

Too solid to miss
Yet missed anyways

This one doesn't trumpet
Does not need to make noise

It doesn't even move
It is very still

It isn't grey or brown
It has no color

We try to feel its shape
but it has no boundary

We walk about the room
holding our hands out

It is everywhere we touch,
this strange elephant

So we get a clever idea
We try to push it away

We push and we push
Then a curious thing happens

The elephant allows the pushing
It offers no fight!

So we feel kind of silly
But it doesn't stop there

The elephant surrounds
every hand that is pushing

Wait - the elephant is
every hand that is pushing

It is every hand
that's pushing itself away!

It is so so vast
It is the room itself

No - the building, the road
the earth, the sky
the universe, outer space ...
everything everywhere....

This elephant is not vast
It is vastness itself

Boy we are sure
this is no ordinary elephant

Heck we can see
this is no elephant at all!

What is it, what is it
we frantically ask

This 'thing' that is here
but cannot be named

This thing that is solid
but cannot be touched?

And then the final touch
The absolute masterstroke

This' thing' is not separate
from the me who is asking

This 'thing' is myself
asking itself what I am!!

This 'thing' is I
I am this 'thing'! :)

The vastness can come
in limited form too

The elephant in the room
that non-elephant 'thing'
is an elephant too
after all!

Truth, you know,
is stranger than fiction :)

What is real

2010-01-09T11:02:00.000-08:00

What is real
needs no dressing up

What is not real
needs to be shrouded
in complexity
and in sophistication
in cleverness
and in brilliance

When the void
that nobody can escape
is frightened of
itself as the emptiness
it continually seeks
to fill itself up
with this and that

When the void
that nobody can miss
recognizes itself
as all there is
it is the fullness
bursting out
in all directions

Willingness - 2

2010-01-02T14:55:00.001-08:00

If there is unwillingness
don't take it
as the absence
of willingness

Willingness is here
alongside
unwillingness

Simply notice it
and it reveals itself
ever more clearly

This is not grace
that hides sometimes
or presents itself selectively

This is grace
everpresent
Only mind does the hiding
from grace

Grace is here right now
offering this possibility
to simply notice
the willingness that always is

Such love!

Willingness - 1

2010-01-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

When the willingness to meet this moment
meets this moment
it opens its arms
and says Come to me

When the willingness to suffer
meets suffering
it opens its arms
and says I am here for you

When the willingness to fear
meets fear
it opens its arms
and says I hold you

Willingness does
what will cannot
Willingness does not arise
from will
but grace

Subtle holding

2009-12-22T17:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we identify with a particular belief very strongly. So strongly that the belief is living us. Do you know what I am talking about?

My teacher Adya, calls it a core belief.

Our very life is unfolding from that belief so that everything we do, including what we do on the spiritual journey, is in accordance with this belief.

Then we are the living embodiment of that belief pattern.

When we are living the belief in this way we cannot see the belief in operation, because there is no objectivity around it - we are too identified with it. To see it requires a distance from it which we do not have because we are it and we are only it.

Then at some point grace intervenes and we can see the belief. We have gained some distance from it and we can see how our life is being run by it.

However even if we see it quite clearly, the belief still seems to be playing out in our lives. And this can be confusing and frustrating.

If you find yourself in this situation, then perhaps what follows may be useful for you.

Let's take a concrete example.

Let's say that the belief is a need for appreciation. So there is a strong desire for appreciation that is playing itself out in your life.

Now everything that is born has a certain stickiness to it. The degree of stickiness can vary enormously, but once something is born there is a finite period of time for which it is sustained. And then it dies.

Some things that are born have a great stickiness and they are greatly self-sustaining. The kind of belief that we have been discussing is an example of this. It is by nature very sticky and wants to live.

So the strong desire for appreciation is very sticky. It uses every trick in the book to stay alive.

Let's say that this desire for appreciation were fulfilled and you experienced great appreciation. What would this mean for the desire for appreciation? What is a fulfilled desire? Is it a desire anymore? No - A fulfilled desire is a dead desire. Right?

The strong desire for appreciation which is very sticky does not want to die and so it does not want to be fulfilled. Of course this sounds completely counter-intuitive and contradictory. But don't go by the analysis of this, go by your experience of how the belief plays out for you.

So the strong desire for appreciation, in order to stay alive, avoids total fulfillment. However it is very skillful and it will accept partial fulfillment. So you will surely feel appreciated sometimes. But then that goes away and the old hunger arises again and is even stronger! Right?

Sometimes this strong desire for appreciation may even use a subtle and totally contradictory pattern to sustain itself. It may actually and very subtly seek rejection. Perhaps this is the point where you may completely dismiss what I am saying here as rubbish and so be it. :)

What happens to you when you have a strong desire for appreciation, and then you feel rejected? You immediately want appreciation oh so much more, right?

Everytime there is an experience of rejection, the desire for appreciation gains a new lease of life as it kicks back in with greater force. The desire for appreciation is so sticky that it can even use a totally opposite thing like rejection to further its goal of survival.

If you know what I am talking about then you know how this feels - like being pulled in opposite directions, so that the end result is one of stagnation.

This contradictory push and pull is what makes it so confusing. You may be aware of your need for appreciation and then you become aware of your being drawn to rejection in your life experience. And you wonder what is really going on! Right?

So you can check in your experience if the rejection bit is simply a mechanism of survival for your strong need for appreciation. And then if it is the case and you can see it for what it is, you may experience a clearing of the confusion.

What is true for a desire for appreciation can also be true for other strong patterns.

I have witnessed a case of great aversion to life. The experience of it for the most part was an apathy towards life in general and even a casual nonchalance towards death. But then a grave illness came about, and gave rise to a terror of dying. And now life became about illness and fear and so the aversion to such a life became even stronger.

At the same time confusion was being experienced in this push-pull of I don't want to live but I don't want to die!

Until it was seen in perspective.

When we see our core belief patterns in perspective, it is not that they immediately dissolve but they get conscious space around them. And instead of being lived out unconsciously they play out their momentum in the light of consciousness. And we are not yanked around by them so much anymore.

This releases blocked energy within us and something new and more free has space to be born.

Not one

2009-11-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

In an absolute paradox (pardon the pun :-)), oneness lives in the way of not one.

As soon as the ego tries to define us as someone, something much bigger than ego knows that it is not that one. It is not any one - not this one and not that one - not any particular one.

To read about this without having experienced it can be confusing. And experiencing it can be disorienting to the mind. The mind seeks certainty and likes to be someone - someone particular - someone predictable who can be described and defined in a specific way. Until it doesn't.

And then there is that inbetween place, when something here can no longer really believe in the story of being someone particular. Still there can be a sort of half-hearted believing for a while. But rest assured this belief is very surely on its way out. And sooner rather than later that belief evaporates.

However, during this experience it seems like life around us continues on pretty much as before, and we still find ourselves amidst the same or similar situations as before. But now there is no particular someone dealing with those situations. Instead there is an openness that can still hear and see what is going on.

This is what is disorienting to mind. It doesn't know how to deal with life without being someone. So it may keep attempting to settle into being someone and reacting to what is happening as that someone. But it cannot really sustain that act for very long. So right in the middle of being someone, the belief in someone may just vanish and the openness may be revealed again.

This can be quite funny. We may find ourselves arguing a point (as someone) and then suddenly all interest in our own argument disappears and we are left holding nothing and feeling a little silly, and no doubt looking a lot sillier! :-)

That this could happen sometimes - that mind could try to be someone - that isn't a problem. It pretends for a while and then it can't anymore. Without any interference from us, the drama simply passes.

However we may be tempted to interfere. All our interference is from the mind, and it can take the form of thoughts believed - thoughts like:

I shouldn't be shaken from the openness
I am still not really enlightened enough
I should not look silly
etc.

None of these are true. But if believed in, they simply contract us again. So instead we can simply relax into what is happening, even if we are being someone again, or being silly or 'unspiritual'.

In this openness there is no attachment to being any one way, no attachment to appearing any one way. There is simply the freedom to be and the freedom to appear as any one. We are life responding to life and we are flexible.

This last statement seems contradictory? It is certainly paradoxical. For somehow, in a mysterious way, this openness that we are is no-one specific and yet can appear as specific things, without being confined to any one of them, without being defined as any one of them.

And we find out the truth of how this works right where we are, as life unfolds.

This body doesn't suddenly evaporate. This life experience isn't suddenly blanked out. The facts of our life don't change. We continue to look the same and sound the same and appear the same (atleast on the outside). But there is no one left here who needs to hang on to any one appearance.

So we are free - free to be what the moment demands of us - free to be the flow of life in this moment, as this moment.

We are free to be new and fresh. And there is no need to know in advance how to be.

By means unknown we are the unknown appearing as the known. What could be more amazing!

This moment speaks

2009-10-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

This moment speaks to me
In a voice and way
It has rarely used

Displaying its rich beauty
Its sonorous silence
Its bursting fullness
in my being

Look, it says, at what I am
Not what you thought
My dear

Not just time
Marker for some event in your life
Not the start of something
Nor the end of something
Not even the inbetween

Though truth be told
Inbetween
comes closest to what I am

But you cast aside that
You cast aside the inbetween
In your hurry to get somewhere
And so you lose me
and lose me again

But I didn't lose you
How could I?
You come from my womb
you are my own child

You wander all over freely
away from me
and yet never outside
for I am all there is

Then someday I call out to you
And this time you say yes!
And we come back home
together

And that is what I am
I am you
at home

Turning spontaneously

2009-10-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

The mind presents us with all kinds of experience. And further, the mind articulates that experience in many different ways (depending on the experience), such as:

I am working or

I am sad or

I am having a good time or

I am watching a movie etc

All of mind's interest and attention is in the sensory experience of being happy or sad or engrossed in the movie or whatever else. But if we really look at experience (any experience), there are always 2 components to any experience: - one is the sensory part of the experience (as described above - happy, sad, etc)- two is the 'I am' part of the experience or the beingness implicit in any experience.

This component of 'I am' is the foundational experience without which the sensory experience cannot be had. In order for something to be experienced, there must be someone who experiences it. So we can say that "I am" is the primary experience and the sensory part is the secondary experience.

Then perhaps we can agree that we live most of our lives located in secondary experience alone. It can be said that the primary experience is mostly ignored or taken for granted.

Most spiritual paths invite us to turn to the primary experience. Many meditation techniques and spiritual practices are geared to anchor us in this I-amness or simply beingness. But when mind goes there it gets very bored. There is no excitement there. By contrast, it seems like the secondary experience is vast, varied and infinitely more interesting. So the mind turns right back there, and assures itself of, at the very least - an exciting time. :-)

And yet, at the same time, it may seem like there is a lingering, maybe small part of us that is getting a bit tired of the sensory stuff. Perhaps we find that we need ever new experiences to keep us interested, because what used to interest us simply lost its appeal. And although there is no dearth of new things, we may find that they have an old air about them.

So we find ourselves in somewhat of a quandary - wanting sensory experience and yet wanting more than just that. The next time this quandary is experienced (or anything else), and the mind says 'I am feeling confused', perhaps we can turn, ever so slightly, to the primary experience there, - I am - and give it a small bit of attention too. So that we find that our awareness holds both - the experience of confusion and the experience of being.

We don't need to hold our attention there, we can just turn there when it occurs to us to do so. What we may find is that something expands out, and instead of feeling boxed into a tiny part of our reality - which is the sensory experience - we feel a spaciousness around experience, that is very relaxing.

But it is not just relaxing, it is perspective-altering. Stepping into I-amness, even for a split second, is stepping into the larger reality. And from here everything is seen differently. This world of experience that we have given so much importance to, begins to be seen in a much bigger context, and all experience is held more lightly.

The split second of unforced turning to I-am ness is unimaginably powerful. In the mind it competes with a lifetime of other experiences, but in reality it works like seeds sprinkled in the ground - invisibly, silently and surely, yielding forests that change the landscape.

In this way, without force, we can start to reconnect with the primary experience of beingness and see where it takes us. There is no need to give up our attraction to secondary experience. We can simply turn to 'I am', when we remember and want to do so. We need not dedicate a pre-specified amount of time to this, nor assign a special place for this. It can happen anytime, anyplace - during work, during leisure, in the car or while walking...

The best time to turn to 'I am' is when it happens spontaneously.

What is Advaita - 1

2009-09-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

The central teachings of Advaita, (and some other spiritual legacies), are few and stark.

What we take ourselves to be - we are not.
What we are is the unknown or God or the Oneness.

As human beings we take ourselves to be separate from other human beings, from the world and from God. This is our lived experience. Our lived experience is that of separation. So the teachings seem contrary to our lived experience, and therefore utopian and fantastic. And yet when the time comes, they draw us to their discovery like moths to a flame.

The teachings point to the truth of what we are. And when we desire to know what we are, we come to the teaching. There is no faking this desire.

If something within us spontaneously stays curious about this even amidst all the intelligent protests of mind; if we find ourselves encountering this teaching in our lives again and again somehow, and some small part of us feels compelled to go there, then the desire is there and will chart its own course.

So the teachings tell us that all separation is an illusion. But they don't discount our lived experience. Rather they help us to see that what we take ourselves to be has reality (as we already know), but it is the reality of a mirage.

It is very real when we are in it. But there is a larger reality within which the mirage itself occurs, and from which the mirage can be seen as a mirage. This larger reality which is simultaneously all-inclusive and yet totally empty is the oneness or non-duality that Advaita points to as our true nature.

What is said above may give the impression that the great teachings are putting us on a self-improvement program, with a step-by-step process to becoming self-realized or the highest and best thing to be. :-) This is not so. Certainly our desire to know what we truly are may put us on a spiritual journey, but we are not somehow becoming the Oneness or God through the course of this journey.

We are always and already the Oneness. There is no arriving someplace. Because every place is that. There is no becoming somebody. Because every body is that. There is no way to not be that which we truly are.

But the issue is that we don't see this or experience this clearly, and so we feel we are outside that somehow, separate from God, separate from all there is. All suffering derives from this sense of separation - the firm belief ensconced in mind and body that I am a separate being.

This has also been likened to dreaming. Within the dream everything seems real and we suffer and we rejoice. Yet the truth, as we see clearly, is that we wake up from the dream every morning and know it was just a dream. In other words it is the nature of the dream to be full of stories. Similarly it is the nature of human life to go through this experience of separation.

The mind races ahead with questions as to why this might be so and how this truth can be realized and so on.

Broadly speaking there are 2 aspects to this realization - one is the understanding of what is being pointed to and the other is the living of it. The authentic desire to know what we are is what orchestrates the spiritual journey for each one.

There is no telling what the journey may look like for anyone. For some (very rare few) there may be no experience of a journey at all. Understanding may dawn and it is lived in, as, of and through, that human form, right away. For most others (and certainly for me) the body-mind complex gradually transforms in the living of this realization.

And yet the great paradox which is recognized is that the one that transforms is the same oneness, before, during and after the transformation! :-)

We are always and already that. And the experience of separation occurs within that which we are. This oneness is not the opposite of many. The many arise within it, as expressions of it, confused or otherwise.

God dancing with God

2009-09-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

Amazing discovery
Silence can dance
and does
With noise
and a whole host
of unlikely partners

And what a dancer it is
Nothing too clumsy
for it
to take into its arms
and rejoice with

Silence the expert dancer
dancing with a clod
like me
in a dance so intimate
like God dancing with God

No God

2009-09-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

I enter the temple
with bowed head
and humble heart

expecting to find
a glorious god
shining and pure

I'm ready to look up
to this great one
surrendering yet again

But what greets me
is a mirror instead
and a pristine image
of myself

Am I at home
in my room
dressing up?

No I see that
this is the temple
I entered

Where is the god here?
the perfect god
I came to bow to?

The only answer
is the steady image
of myself
looking at myself

imperfect, flawed
marred, worn down
me looking at myself

I hear the temple bells
smell the incense
see the flowers

All offered in prayer
to me?!
And to you
when you come here

No god
other than you and I
No god
without you and I
No god
just you and I
as God.

Silence in expression

2009-07-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing to share

but silence

hearing itself echoed through sound

reading itself printed in words

watching itself unfold in images

Not needing expression

yet in full expression everywhere!

Freedom lived

2009-07-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

Freedom lived
is leaving yourself
the option to love
the one who injures you
if love arises

Why take that
off the table
Freedom lived
does not deny you
anything

Freedom lived
is free of the strategy
to plot hatred
against those who hate
even subtly

Freedom lived
does not deny hatred
If it arises
it is allowed
with unflinching love

It is the space
between the leaves
of a tree dancing
with the wind
Stillness within dance

The eye of God

2009-06-30T11:12:00.000-07:00

The eye of God is in all things, as all things, of all things and through all things.

This is the awareness that is inside all things. This is the awareness that we are.

This awareness is not dependent on the human mind as we sometimes believe.

The human mind is a powerful, and possibly unique, vehicle for the awareness to express itself. But awareness does not depend on your being aware or my being aware. It is totally independent of the movement of mind.

But because of the way that the human mind understands awareness, we think that awareness needs objects to be aware of. And we think that the awareness is outside the objects, and separate from them. We think that awareness is aware of the objects from outside them.

But the eye of God is in all things and awareness is on the inside of all things as all things, and as nothing. We can call it the beingness or the isness or the presence inherent in everything.

This is the awareness that is being pointed to.

Rest as this awareness, this beingness, even when the mind doesn't get it, for the mind is not the one that gets it.

Every protest of the mind is shot through with the beingness. Notice this in the next thought that says you don't get it. See the presence in the thought itself that dances in the mind.

We are this vibrant dancing alive beingness and everything is that.

We are the eye of God seeing itself.

Running

2009-06-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

There is a human compulsion to make sense of things. We want things to be connected, to reveal a pattern, to satisfy our lust for meaning. We want this moment to be strung together with the next and the one before it so we can put our arms around time and life - to make something of the unmade.

We can't imagine a life where none of this is so - where each moment is on its own - orphaned. We can't imagine something so alone. It frightens us and chills us to the bone, as only something can that we know to be true. So we construct an elaborate facade and we collaborate to keep it strong and upright - not allowing each other to remember, lest the clear seeing of one become the undoing of all.

So precious is this life of meaning we say that we are willing to take its knocks just to live its grandeur. What garbage we feed ourselves. We are like a bird on the ground that does not know it has wings - and so it walks about and has little adventures - little triumphs and little mishaps. They don't really satisfy and so the bird uses its little beak of imagination to weave something grand out of the little things - and invents meaning for a filler - to fill the gaps between the little things so they can stick together and appear much bigger than they actually are.

We allow ourselves to be fooled by a life woven this way - from imagination and empty fillers. Out of fear we continue weaving and building out the emptiness. Till it grows so big and so hungry it swallows us whole. And there is nothing again. The very nothing we tried to run from. It is everywhere we run. And all the running is only running into its lap.

We can get desperate then and crumble or we can laugh - laugh a great big belly laugh. It is ridiculous to run from our self, believing we might escape the bugger. When what is running is the self. It is funny to realize this.

Then the sound of our own laughter dissolves into the nothing. And it's like it never was.

Then something is forgotten deep inside us and something is remembered there but not from a memory. And we look into the distance. And a tree waves its leaves and the sunlight filters in through a window. And we blink our eyes. And it is all one thing. Everything is just one thing. And we choke on the lump in the throat and we are blinded by the rush of tears. Gratitude and peace course through the veins. And there is fullness to bursting. Like a ripe peach cracking its skin to share the sweet juiciness. We spill over with complete abandon, not even noticing what is given up.

Fearlessness

2009-06-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

Fearlessness is not someplace
Where fear becomes incapacitated

Fearlessness is the willingness
to be fearful

Fearlessness does not mean
the absence of fear
Fearlessness is
the allowing of fear

What can terrify that
which is not afraid to be afraid?

Nothing to lose, everything to gain

2009-06-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe we come to the spiritual teachings because we are attracted to the peace they appear to promise.

Maybe we stay with the spiritual teachings because we taste the peace they appear to suggest.

But who can deny life its eccentricities? What can force life to provide us with unending peace?

Life inevitably presents us with the 'unpeaceful' - death, sickness, loss, war, recession etc.

(Perhaps you want to replace the word peace above with something else, like love, which resonates more strongly for you.)

Are we peaceful in these situations? What is our experience?

If you are like most seekers, then no - you are not peaceful in unpeaceful situations.

But the spiritual teachings are unassailable, we know. They are infallible, we tell ourselves.

So it must be that we are doing something wrong, - we are not seeking in the right way, we tell ourselves. If we were doing this right, then unending peace would be our experience.

This may seem like a spiritually naive belief that seasoned seekers may scoff at. But if we look again, even veteran seekers may find some version of this inside.

So we equate the end of seeking or enlightenment with a state of unending peace.

And further, we often believe that this is something that can be attained, whether it is by the right spiritual practices done the right way, or by the right transmission from the right teacher, or by the right kind of spiritual experience, or by the right spiritual attitude and so on.

The spiritual teachings that we revere so, consistently tell us one thing:

We are already and always that.

But we have given ourselves a new teaching:

I can attain the experience of unending peace.

Simply consider the vast gap between the above 2 statements.

Yet this is how all seekers (in some way or another) interprete the teachings.

Peace (or love) is only one of the myriad expressions of this that we are. If we insist on unending peace, we insist on denying every other expression. We insist on denying the fullness and vastness of what we are. In other words we insist on staying limited.

Luckily we don't succeed. :-) We are the freedom and the infinite vastness no matter how contorted and cramped we find ourselves.

So hear the teachings afresh. No old ideas needed.

We are already and always that.

The peaceful is that and the unpeaceful is that.

The love is that and the hatred is that.

The right spiritual practice is that and the wrong spiritual practice is that.

The right teacher is that and the wrong teacher is that.

The right attitude is that and the wrong attitude is that.

You are that through and through whatever you do and whoever you are.

What prevents us from acknowledging this within us is fear. All kinds of fear.

The fear of losing control. The fear of having nothing to do. The fear of dying. The fear of not knowing. The fear of of being too great to be true. The fear of being too small to matter. The fear of letting go and finding our demons. The fear of losing the world. The fear of being cast out of humanity. The fear of losing everything and everyone we love. The fear of living. The fear of freedom. The fear of not caring. The fear of losing our image. The fear of fear.

And we run from fear. This is the natural human tendency. Until it isn't.

It is not necessary to run from fear. It is not necessary to run from fear.

Can we look at the fear? - gently and at our own pace?

Can we see that something is already allowing the fear to be?

Can we be that which is already allowing the fear to be? Can we look at fear from here? - in this way?

No pressure to deal with the fear or fix it or resolve it.

Can we simply look?

Yes - It may not be very peaceful to look at fear. And that's why we have avoided the fear for so long. But the avoidance has not worked - it has not brought us peace.

Meanwhile the fear stands in the way of acknowledging what we are.

When we are ready, we can look at the fear and see what that brings.

And the beauty of this is, that the fear itself is that - that even as we look at the fear, we are already that. And no matter what we find, we are already that. And everything we find is already that.

We have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

The Mask

2009-06-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

Pure innocence arises
in human form
Pure innocence arises
as thoughts

Then attachment occurs
and thought becomes belief
And this happens also
in pure innocence

The belief becomes the mask
through which we look
And the world appears
colored by belief

In this way
beliefs are amassed
The mask becomes thicker
and the world more complex

We don't realize
that what we see
is only a result
of the masks we are wearing

So we take it all
to be very real
Until we don't
And it is all pure innocence

In a moment of grace
our looking chances
upon that
through which we are looking

We see the mask
and we see how
it has shaped our world
for so long now

The mask may not
slip off right away
Infact it tends
to cling in pure innocence

But the mask
has been seen you know
And though nothing has changed
This changes everything

This I know

2009-05-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

This I know
that I don't want
to live an idea
even though
it may bring me peace
or wealth or joy.

This I know
that I want
to live the truth
whatever it may bring.

I have lived ideas
of all kinds.
They do not satisfy
but leave me parched
yearning
for what I do not know.

In truth I am free
of the need
to duck or hold
any one thing.
Wide wide open
to all that arises.

The great unknown

2009-05-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

White light passing through a prism refracts into the rainbow. It cannot help this; it is its nature to refract into the rainbow.

Nothing can change the reality of the rainbow's source or its true nature. It is light appearing in different colors. Now we may prefer one color to another, but what has that to do with what each color truly is? The seven colors can produce a kaleidoscopic reality of great beauty and intricacy. And we can enjoy the spectacular show. But the entire show is enabled by the light. The entire show is only a play of light. Miraculous!

In the same way, formlessness refracts through the great witnessing into the rainbow of this universe. And you arise and I arise and the moon and the stars, and we dance life. And we are all only the great unknown in different shades and shapes.

The great witnessing is the prism that refracts. The great witnessing is the observer observing the observed. It is the observer that unfolds the observed, from deep within itself, such that the birth of the observer is simultaneously the birth of the observed.

We can name these things and dress them in fancy words and classify them into elaborate systems and there is great joy in all that. But what remains unchanged? The true nature of all things. It is the great unknown.

Where is the love?

2009-05-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

Where is the love
In pain or suffering?

Where is the love
In hatred and war?

Where is the love
In death?

I rave and rant
About this elusive love

I bemoan
Its startling absence

Then the anger
Exhausts itself

And I am back
where I started

Even as I berate
My 'lapse'

Something has allowed
My outburst

And something allows
My self-judgement now

Something is ok
with me
exactly as I am

I don't have to be different
or better
In its presence

It is equally present
No matter who or what I am

Can there be
A more restful love?

Seeking is avoidance - Part 2

2009-04-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

What are some ways in which we avoid seeing what we are by our very seeking?

I see 2 fundamental ways in which seekers avoid the truth - procrastination and projection.

Procrastination is about waiting for enlightenment to occur to us. It can take various forms. But usually the mind picks on some particular spiritual information that it has read or heard about, and either obviously or subtly, converts that into a pre-requisite for our enlightenment.

For example:

I haven't yet had a big spiritual experience. When I have it then perhaps enlightenment may set in.

or

I have had one or many memorable spiritual experiences, but they don't last. They come and go. When I have one that stays then I will be truly enlightened.

or

When I am finally able to be rid of my anger, and be loving all the time, then I will know that I am enlightened.

or

When I can make the time to do more meditation (or inquiry), and when I can learn to do it right, then I may have a chance at enlightenment.

or

When I find the right teacher and receive the right transmission, then .......

and on and on.

Is any of this familiar so far? Discover your own voice of procrastination. And see how it sustains the seeking. - Till you see that in this way we end up seeking only that which can be used to keep away the truth!

Projection is about putting the enlightenment onto another's shoulders. It's the you-are-enlightened-and-I-am-not pattern. Typically the teacher or someone else is held up as an exemplar that simply cannot be matched. The mind finds something unique about this enlightened other, that is then used to compare one's own experience with, and of course one's own experience always falls short.

For e.g.

This teacher talks about how they are in constant bliss. Now that is true enlightenment and it is simply not my experience.

or

I go from teacher to teacher and I see clearly that they have all had some extraordinary experience that changed them forever and that is not my experience and will likely never be.

or

My experience contradicts what the enlightened one says, so my experience is wrong. I can never be what she is.

or

Look at that amazing enlightened one! How could I (with all my faults) be the same as that one? What blasphemy!

and on and on.

Perhaps this sounds familiar? Check in to find your own version of projection. And notice if it is not infact used to reassert a comfortable belief - that you are not enlightened.

So why do we try to avoid the truth of what we are? Especially when we profess to want it so much?

It has much to do with the fear of realizing the truth fully. - The fear of disappearing as this ego-mind, the fear of taking full responsibility for everything, the fear of being completely alone, the fear of losing control and the fear of dying.

So what to do about this fear?

Nothing. Anything that is done to counter the fear actually stems from fear - the fear of fear. Instead we can take the opportunity to see clearly. Seeing clearly means seeing what is just as it is, without having to interprete it through the lens of judgement.

So when we see the various ways in which we are avoiding the truth of ourselves, then simply by that act of seeing, something starts to open up. It clears the way for a dropping of the resistance to the truth.

Don't expect this to be experienced in any one particular way. Discover and enjoy how it wishes to manifest in your own experience.

Seeking is avoidance - Part 1

2009-04-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

Seeking is avoidance. Have you seen that in yourself?

Seeking is the dance between the deep desire for the truth and the avoidance of the truth, of what we are.

The desire for the truth holds our integrity. - That which yearns to fully meet itself.

The avoidance of the truth holds our resistance. - That which is afraid of what the truth may really mean for the I, for the body-mind.

The desire for the truth comes from beyond the I, despite the I. The avoidance of the truth comes from the I.

The desire for the truth bestows the grace of the breakthroughs. The avoidance attaches to the breakthroughs - the lack of them and the presence of them - as though they were the only truth.

Finally, it is the deep desire for the truth that enables us to see that we are in avoidance of the truth.

Seeking is avoidance.

Seeking is seeing the avoidance.

Seeking is seeing the dropping of avoidance.

Seeking ceases. The joy of continual discovery begins.

Nothing has changed. Everything has changed.

Heart to heart

2009-04-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

When we look from the heart
Into the heart of all things
We find the same innocence
Everywhere

When we look at something
And miss the heart here and there
We find the same separateness
Everywhere

The price of separateness
Is the loss of innocence

The separate one does not deem this
To be a great loss
Nor a high price
To pay for its existence

But remember that separation too
Is born from the oneness
And the innocence
And returns to it surely

Freedom of Silence

2009-04-07T11:09:00.001-07:00

The freedom of silence
Is not that it escapes noise

The freedom of silence
Is that it does not personalize noise

Silence expressed

2009-03-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

I find myself sitting down
To write this post

Sometimes the fingers fly
on the keyboard

At other times
They meander
Taking their own time
to form words

Today the hand is poised
over the letters
And the silence comes
Only silence

I don't know how long
I sit this way
With the silence
And the potential for words

After a while
The eyes open
The fingers fly again
And these words appear

Silence takes shape
Silence takes form
Silence wears a mask
Of meaning

It is all silence
Beckoning us back home
to silence
through noise

How foolish!

2009-03-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

When I wish to be free of mind
How foolish I am being

When have I been free of mind?
Yesterday says the mind
Yesterday in meditation
I was free of mind

But the truth is
That today rolled around
And mind appeared again
As it always does

Something shifts
And mind is mostly quiet here
But here is there
And mind is active there

So how foolish of me
To seek my rest
In quiet mind
Here or there

The only rest
Is alongside mind
Inside it even
Right in its sweet lap

This is real freedom
So untouched
By mind's noise
And by mind's silence

That simple

2009-03-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

What will this moment bring?
This moment arrives
And I find out

It is that simple.

What sees I?

2009-03-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

A question pops up:

I am this human expression - is it true?

I look into the mirror. I see this familiar face. I see the corners of the mouth turn up.

And I am deeply conscious of this that is looking - looking at this face and its reflection. It is looking at the eyes looking at the eyes. How strange.

I am this human expression - is it true?

This human expression is ever-changing. This body-mind is never the same from one year to the next, from one week to the next, from one day to the next, even from one moment to the next. One moment I am not smiling, then in the next moment I am! One moment my tooth is attached to the gum and in the next moment it comes unattached. One moment I am not in pain and then in the next moment, the pain starts.

One moment I am not conceived, and in the next moment I am. One moment I am not dead and in the next moment ....

This human expression is ever-changing.

Yet something always call itself I. What is it that holds to calling itself I? What is I?

What is I?

The body moves. The legs start up and walk the body into the kitchen. The hands move and reach out for this and that. A cup of tea is ready. The cup is lifted to the mouth. The tea is tasted. The eyes close briefly in appreciation. The legs walk this back here, with cup of tea in hand.

Action is happening. The heart is beating. The lungs are breathing. The bird is flying. The tree is gently waving.

Where am I in all this?

I am here - in this body-mind - is it true?

I look into the mirror again. I see the wall behind, a bottle, a candle-holder. Am I there, in those?

I touch the space separating this here from that there. The space is filled with thoughts. They are quite wispy. They just float about. It is very clearly seen that if attachment occurs to any of them, and if they are believed, - even a tiny bit, then wham - the wispy thoughts become a sticky quagmire, sucking more and more identity into them. And with that attachment, a vast distance develops between this I here and everything else. The separate I is birthed from the attachment to thought.

Something sees all this very calmly, as though in complete empathy and understanding. What is it that sees the I being born? What is it that sees the I live? What is it that sees the I die?

What sees I?

Being good and being spiritual

2009-02-25T12:20:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, sometimes being true to oneself and being good can be 2 different things. :-)

Most human beings, including the spiritual seeker, have a certain common idea of what it means to be good, - to be a good person. A good person is one who is kind and considerate, loving and generous, good-tempered and helpful. When a person is unkind or angry or unhelpful, we don't think of that person as being so good. Is this not true?

These are very deeply entrenched beliefs in the human psyche.

One can describe the spiritual path as one where all beliefs come undone. - Even the most widely held, universally claimed and deeply entrenched ones - such as what it means to be good.

Through my own experience and that of those I am with, I find that most spiritual seekers have a very strong resistance to the dropping of this belief in being good. We equate being spiritual with being very good. How can it be otherwise? We have heard and read of saints and sages and Gods who personify and embody the good virtues listed above. So it comes as a bit of a shock when we are nudged to see that even being good, in the commonly accepted human sense, can be simply another belief. And we are frightened of seeing through this belief. This is very natural. The fear is that if this belief drops away then we will somehow be bad people, or, at the very least our bad side will show up more. We think that our belief in being good is what keeps the bad demons away. We don't want to be bad and we don't want to be seen to be bad. We don't want to hurt ourselves or the other. So we cling to this belief in being good.

Does any of this strike a chord so far?

Now I am not saying that being good is bad. :-) Infact this belief can arise in great innocence, and is very well-intentioned. And who among us would not prefer 'good' behavior to 'bad' behavior? But good and bad are ideas too and all ideas are eventually seen through. So I am simply saying that when we no longer resist seeing this apparently difficult truth, then this belief can be seen through.

When we cling to the belief in being good, we are basically insuring ourselves from finding out our bad side. So the belief in being good is fuelled by a fear of discovering how bad we may actually be. The belief in being good is rooted in fear. And fear is rooted in separation. Only one that believes herself to be separate, is fearful for herself.

So let's take a minute to see how this belief in being good plays out in our lives.

We try to be good. We curb what arises naturally and try to make it conform with our idea of good. We censor our words and actions. We speak lies to avoid uncomfortable truths. We live lies to fend off inconvenient truths. We blame ourselves and others when badness escapes our watch anyways and manifests as anger or unkindness. We feel conflicted inside, over our actions, and the actions of others. We feel like we must be on constant guard. We feel tense and constrained in body and mind. We feel superior to the less good people. We build up our image of virtuosity and feel inflated by it. And then we feel deflated when we slip into the slightest deviation. And on and on.

Curiously the belief never really sets out to achieve what it intends. Does it? Look within yourself. Do you believe in being good as a credo? Has it effectively stopped you from being 'bad'? Of course the mind's comeback is that although it doesn't stop badness, it keeps it in check. Yes? No - that is not my experience and if you are interested, I invite you to discover what is really true for you, beyond what mind says. You may be very surprised by what you discover.

For the spiritual seeker, there is the added issue of spiritual image. How can one be spiritual and bad at the same time? No, no - one must avoid being bad and being seen to be bad. That would not be spiritual at all. So we hold back and pull back and perpetuate this violence upon ourselves and others, all in the service of this belief in being good.

Why do I call it violence? When we resist something using force, it is violence, is it not? And when we force ourselves to act good, it is violence upon ourselves. When we force others to be good as per our ideas of good, we are being violent towards them. I am not saying it is right or wrong. But it is violence. And we can see for ourselves how this violence feels inside us and how it affects the other.

Yet, all the time, despite the extent of our suffering around this belief, we feel a certain sense of relief and validation that at least we are trying to be good, just like everyone around us. There is a safety about this trying, because it brings us membership to the human club. This sustains the belief. No need to blame ourselves for this - this just happens. Our need for safety and affiliation is so strong that we are willing to pay a very very high price for it. Until we are not.

When we are no longer willing to pay this high price, we are willing to look deeply into this belief. We are willing to confront the fear that upholds annd perpetuates this belief and all its suffering. We are willing to see that good and bad are both only ideas based on a certain perspective. We see that when we accept living in fear and suffering, then we feed that fear and suffering in everyone around us. This is a gut-wrenching discovery that brings us to our knees. It turns our world upside-down. For we see that our very attempts to not harm, when frozen into this belief in being good, can generate suffering within and without! When this belief dissolves, humility and gratitude flow. Fear starts to be dislodged and freedom begins to take its place. This is the freedom of one who no longer believes herself to be separate from the flow of life and all that it brings.

The belief in being good drops away. And the wisdom of the moment is free to arise. This is the wisdom of wholeness. It may express itself as love, kindness, compassion, understanding, appreciation, gratitude and peace. But make no mistake, nothing is exempt from this freedom; nothing is denied. So anger may arise too. But it is not held back from fear and so it is free to serve its purpose and pass, in freedom. And when we live in this freedom and act from it, then the freedom radiates out, and everything and everyone around us can be free too. This is to be true to ourselves.

Images arise:

Lord Brahma creating the world and Lord Shiva destroying it,

Jesus Christ on the cross and Jesus Christ dealing with the money-lenders,

Kanzeon, the Bodhisattva of compassion and Manjushri wielding the sword.

All in service to the truth.

Who is looking?

2009-02-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

What do you see right now?

Suffering? Bad times? Anger? Sorrow? Evil? Rudeness? Confusion? Mistakes? Discontent?

Joy? Peace? Love? Contentment? Fun? Excitement?

Any mix of the above?

Notice how what you see affects how you feel. Whether the anger or peace arises outside you or inside you, notice that there is a response inside you. What is that response? More feelings? More thoughts? Notice.

Notice that all of these are objects in awareness. You are aware of the anger, the peace, other feelings and thoughts. They are not aware of you.

We get caught up in what we are experiencing and looking at. But who is looking?

No matter what is being looked at, there is always the one that is looking.

What is seen depends on who is seeing.

See this at work in your own life.

Start with the most basic thing that we take so for granted - the physical world. What appears as a red flower to us human beings appears differently to different species in the animal world. Some species can perceive only one color and others can perceive a wider range of colors than the human eye.

Then there are functional differences. What may appear as an insignificant ant to a hiker on a trail appears as food to an anteater.

And of course there are emotional variances. Two people faced with the same circumstances may see different things and respond differently.

At many levels then, we can notice that what is seen depends on who is looking.

The world of objects is so fascinating to us that we keep going from one object to another in wonder. Built into this fascination is a desire to find better and better objects. This fuels the looking. And it is natural and fine as long as it lasts. But many of us begin to experience a kind of dreariness to this endless looking. Then at some point we tire altogether of what seems like a wildgoose chase. That's when we can get interested in the question: Who is looking?

This question begins to draw us inward, as we begin to get interested in the perspective that looks out. At first when we ask ourselves this question, we may come across different perspectives. An example that many people can relate with, is that when we see anger within ourselves, asking this question Who is looking? often reveals somebody filled with fear. And we can simply acknowledge this fearful one. And we can see that when fear is looking, then anger is seen and experienced. Now we have stepped back, behind the anger.

Similarly other sights may reveal other perspectives.

When we continue to ask this question, (at a pace that does not feel forced in any way) we begin to step further and further back. So to continue the example above, when we contact the fearful one fully, we may see that even this fear is only an object - it is being seen and experienced. So it is natural to ask the question again - Who is looking? And we may find yet another perspective.

I am not suggesting that we do this as a process to reach a certain objective. What I am suggesting is that if this question interests you, then this process may arise quite naturally. There may appear to be a little effort in asking the question at first, and then it may just start happen quite frequently on its own.

We begin to see that all the perspectives, or the ones who are looking, are finally objects in themselves. And as we step further and further back, we begin to be what we always and already are - that empty self-aware awareness within which everything arises.

There is no gain from this. And the curious thing is there is no interest in any gain.

Circles and dots

2009-02-05T08:12:00.000-08:00

The teacher drew a large circle on a paper pasted to a board. Then he turned to his students and said, This is the great circle of being. Nobody and nothing is outside it.

The students listened with rapt attention, some nodding their heads in understanding, and others closing their eyes in meditation.

Each one of you is fully contained within this circle. See this very clearly, each one of you, continued the teacher, scanning all the faces before him intently.

Suddenly a tentative hand raised itself. And a young new student stood up and cleared his throat nervously. Sir, may I share what I am seeing and ask a question? he asked, hesitatingly. The teacher's eyes bore into the young man's even as he nodded his assent.

Well, began the student, clearing his throat again, for two days now you have shown us this circle of being and told us to see that we are each inside it. But I don't see that.... He paused to take note of the teacher's expression, and finding only an even intensity there he made bold to continue. I see myself as being outside the circle, he said a little more confidently.

The teacher's expression softened a bit as he turned to the board and picked up the pen. He drew a small dot outside the circle. Then pointing his pen at the student, he smiled and said, Is this where you find yourself? The student nodded and looked around at the other students. Most of them were now paying close attention. Then the teacher turned back to the board and with great flourish, drew another larger circle, so that the dot was inside this new circle. There now, it is fixed, he said beaming at the student, You are fully within the circle of being.

Some of the students chuckled and others nodded in appreciation.

The student looked nonplussed, then started to sit down as if this was as far as he could get, when the teacher stabbed the air with his pen and said No, no, don't believe me. Look inside again and see what you find this time. Then turning to the other students, he said, All of you - I want you to look inside again. But first, is there anyone here who has never had the same question as this young man? Maybe some of you found the answer sometime back. But allow the answer to refresh itself in this moment. Don't bank on past memories of an answer. See what is true right now.

The students all became very quiet, and a period of silence followed. At one point the teacher called out to the young student and said, I see you are ready to share something. What do you find?. The student stood up and said, a bit sheepishly, I still see myself as being outside that new circle, Sir. He bit his lip anxiously. But the teacher only smiled and drawing another dot outside the second circle, asked, Like this? When the student nodded, the teacher nodded too and again with great flourish drew a third circle on the board such that the new dot was inside it. Then without a word, he turned to the student again and raised his eyebrow. The student nodded slightly, sat down and closed his eyes.

This scene was faithfully repeated many times over the next few days. During this time some of the students went from great discomfort to a kind of settling down. Still others, like the young student, seemed to be ok and took this chance to look within. And then there were a few who seethed about this complete waste of time, but stuck it out for their own reasons. One student left in pure frustration.

The fifth day commenced. On the board were a set of concentric circles, each with a little dot inside. The teacher sat beside the board, immersed in the silence, eyes opening sometimes and closing sometimes. Finally the young student raised his hand again, stood up confidently and said, Sir, I am fully within the circle. And..., he paused, a bit unsure again. Yes? asked the teacher, and what? The student continued, eyes shining, And the circle is fully within me. I am the paper and the circle and the dot.

At that instant many of the students felt an arrow pierce their hearts, but what spilled out was love, not blood.

The teacher turned and began to pack away the board and paper and pen. Good, he said, because I was really getting tired of drawing so many circles.

The myth of exclusive enlightenment

2009-01-31T12:26:00.000-08:00

There are many myths about enlightenment, and as many myths about what an enlightened person is like.

Look inside. You will find an idea about what an enlightened being is like. He/she must be experiencing life in a particular way. He/she would act only in a particular way, and so on. And then the implicit assumption is that when I start to experience those things and act like that, then I will be enlightened.

Even the most experienced spiritual seeker, who has been exposed to all the myths, still harbors a very subtle and maybe even highly sophisticated idea of what enlightenment is. And this idea comes in the way of knowing what we are. The mind keeps comparing our idea of an enlightened being with our own self, and finds the self wanting.

In a recent satsang, we talked about squiggles in a painting. What somebody said was that if we zoom in on a squiggle inside a painting, it appears meaningless and ordinary, but when we zoom out and see the whole painting, it suddenly acquires meaning and beauty. This is something we can all relate to, right?

A wonderful analogy, but it still does not come close to capturing the essence of this awareness that we are. The squiggle is not beautiful only in its relation to the painting. This would still be to find the beauty outside oneself. Rather, the totality that is the painting, is as much and as fully in the squiggle, as in the painting. When the squiggle recognizes itself to be the same totality as the painting in which it appears, this is the end of the separation of the squiggle from the painting. They may retain their different forms as squiggle and painting, but they are essentially the same totality - like a holograph.

How is this connected to what we started out with?

When we try to put enlightenment and enlightened people into a box with only some specific attributes, we lose the totality. And we miss the point. Enlightenment and unenlightenment co-exist as one. You who think you are unenlightened - you contain both enlightenment and unenlightenment within you. The teacher who you think is enlightened also contains both enlightenment and unenlightenment within himself. The totality excludes nothing, and includes everything.

The difference between you who think you are unenlightened, and the teacher who you think is enlightened, is that the teacher is fully ok with the unenlightenment within. There is no wishing for it to be different than what it is.

The enlightened squiggle :-) loses its identification with its squiggleness, and sees itself as being the totality that contains the squiggle form. Now the squiggle is not the squiggle. Yet it continues to appear as the squiggle. But it would not be true to say that the squiggle is enlightened, because there is nothing that identifies itself as the squiggle anymore. And yet the squiggle form continues. Until it doesn't. But it is only this totality appearing as the squiggle.

Examine your idea of enlightenment. See how it excludes so much. Can enlightenment exclude anything? Can totality exclude anything? So long as you identify with your enlightened self alone or your unenlightened self alone, you miss the totality of you that contains both.

See through the myth of exclusive enlightenment.

Truth, not peace

2009-01-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

Here's a great question to ask oneself:

Do I want the truth more than I want love and peace?

This is a tough question, is it not? It may conjure up unpleasant images that we would much rather avoid. Yet it is a critical question, and it must be faced at some point or the other on the spiritual journey. So are you ready to ask this question now? If you are not ready, no problem - being honest about yourself is always a good thing, is it not? And if you are ready, then go ahead. Get tough.

The truth is that the deep spiritual journey carries no incentive. There is no grand prize awaiting us that makes all the heartache worthwhile. If you are on this journey and holding out for the grand prize, then you are setting yourself up for great disappointment. The deep spiritual journey is its own incentive. We are on this journey, because it chooses us and not vice versa. Any idea that the mind has about pursuing eternal love and peace on this quest is just that - an idea.

The rational mind wants to have a worthy objective and so it makes up a story about the spiritual goals of eternal bliss or eternal contentment. And then it leads us to believe that we are looking for those things. And then what happens? We may have a wonderful spiritual experience or two or even a dozen. But we always seem to return to the life we had before those experiences. In other words, life outside those experiences is not necessarily always blissful or content. So we seek more spiritual highs, and we seek new teachers, new teachings, new techniques - anything that promises us eternal peace. And we end up not with eternal peace, but with eternal seeking. What a mindtrap! Is it not?

Somehow it never occurs to us to question the spiritual goal itself. What if we are deluding ourselves about the goal itself? Am I really seeking eternal love and peace? And even if such questions do occur to us, we dismiss them easily, because mind produces some weighty distractions that help us avoid them. For example, we start to think about all those wise and realized men and women who emanate peace and bliss, and they are shining examples of what can be achieved, is it not? So that justfies the goals we have set ourselves. And it just shows that we need to do something differently to reach those goals. Or so the mind would have us believe. And then off we go -seeking in new fresh ways again!

And yet, can you think of even one realized master who said that he/she was in this to find peace and love for themselves? Yes, many of these masters embody and emanate love and peace. That part is true, but the rest is imagined in our minds. The idea that they pursued that love and peace for personal gain can find no support in their authentic accounts or their teachings. Isn't that true? Don't believe me - check it for yourself.

What these great teachers tell us is that love, peace and contentment are the bye-products of living in truth. But they cannot be grasped at, for what is grasped at and sometimes attained also slips through and is often lost. This love that they radiate is not the idea of love that we carry around in our heads. It is a love that loves without cause. It is a love that loves because it is its nature to love, because it cannot help itself. This is the love that does not need to hold on to itself, lest it should slip away. And this love is a bye-product of seeing and being the truth of what we are. Because living in truth means an openness and appreciation of whatever arises; it means being in unity with what is.

So go ahead, if you are ready. Ask yourself the question:

Do I want the truth more than I want love and peace?

Allow yourself to delve into that question for a few days or a few weeks. Discover what compromises you have made, or may still be making in order to choose peace over the truth. Find out if such a peace really satisfies you in a sustained way. Rediscover what you already know - that the truth is not always peaceful. Really let in what you already know - that you cannot know what this moment will look like for you - that there is no guarantee of peace.

It is not my purpose to make you feel bad, and it is certainly not my purpose to make you feel good! This question is not for the faint of heart. But if you are willing and ready for it, it will change the course of your seeking.

Infinite potential

2009-01-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

I am a rose
and I am a thorn
I am neither alone
I am both

But wait
I am a tree
I am a cloud
I am the sky

Nothing lasts
And I am each
And neither
And all

Time is
this moment extended
in the mind
thats all

No time
No future
No past
Only this moment
And infinite potential

I am a rock

2009-01-14T07:24:00.000-08:00

I am a rock
in love
with the water
around me

Its currents
and pools
and eddies
and flow

They caress me
and coddle me
and gently
break me down

I laugh
as the water's gurgle
I cry
as the water's flow

Anyday now
I disappear
As the water
Claims me whole

I can't resist
I am in love

Being love I dance life

2009-01-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

This nothing that is
everything

finds the love
in being this body

finds delight
in concrete expression

expresses love
in this form
is love
as this form

being love
I act

being love
I dance life

Suffering and relief - Part 1

2008-12-31T12:29:00.000-08:00

Human beings want to be free of suffering.

No - this post is not about yet another technique to relieve suffering. There are many techniques out there to relieve suffering of all kinds. And they can be helpful sometimes. If you are drawn to them, then by all means go there.

This post is addressed to those among us who have already tried many techniques, and even found them helpful sometimes. This post is addressed to those among us who have found that, in the end however, no technique has put them beyond suffering. Yes, there has been occasional and temporary relief from suffering. Sometimes the relief has been longer lasting than at other times. But no matter what they try or how they approach it, the suffering visits again and again and they are not free of suffering.

We have a powerful human urge to relieve suffering, in ourselves and in others. And equally, we have a powerful human addiction to relief from suffering. Remember how it feels when a very vexing and troubling issue is cleared up? Remember the delicious relief of suffering dissolved? Of course you remember. We all remember. And we love it. And we want more of it. And more and more.

But how about some relief from relief? Any takers? :-)

The intensity of any experience, relief included, is proportional to the extent of contrast within the experience. When we go from acute distress to peace, it feels palpably different and marvelous! When we go from peace to more peace, the change is not registered so dramatically. Yes?

What we are really addicted to is the drama, - the highs and lows of experience. They make us feel alive in a glittering sort of way. In order to experience this kind of intense high, we need to experience an intense low first, for it is the contrast between the two that makes the high so dramatic. This is not just true for addictions to substance. This is true for the human addiction to experience. And while it may seem ridiculous to say that we are buying into our suffering because we are addicted to the relief from suffering, there may be more than a grain of truth there to examine, each for himself.

While we find it easy to let go of suffering, we don't find it so easy to let go of relief. While we are eager to let go of blame and guilt, we are not so eager to let go of credit and praise. But they are inextricably tied together. One can only be experienced in contrast with the other. So grasping at one thing automatically preserves the other. Grasping at praise preserves the blame. Grasping at relief preserves the suffering.

Notice I said grasping. I did not say enjoying. The difference can be stark or subtle. Only you can know what it is for you. When the sun shines, we can enjoy the sunshine. But when it changes to rain, the sunshine is not missed. When it rains, the rain can be enjoyed. When it snows, the snow can be enjoyed. Each brings its own flavor. This is enjoyment without grasping. When I want the sun to shine instead of the rain that is pouring, it is grasping. When I am anxious that it should be sunny tomorrow, it is grasping. And there is little enjoyment in it.

Again, this post is not for those who enjoy being in the game of opposites. It is indeed a wonderful game. And there is nothing wrong with the game at all. If you enjoy the game, go for it. Enjoy yourself. There is indeed an infinite variety of games to play out there, in the world of opposites.

But if you have seen that, in the end, they are all the same game, and if you just don't enjoy the game anymore, then know that you don't have to play it. You can rest. You can rest in the vastness beyond suffering and relief. Neither is needed for this rest.

Relief from suffering is great, and relief from suffering and relief is sublime. This vastness - it includes all opposites and is beyond all opposites at the same time. Rest here.

And this vastness is not dumb and this vastness is not passive.

More on this in the next post.

What am I really seeking? - Part 3

2008-12-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

The question is: What do I really want?

Answers arise:

I want peace
I want happiness
I want fulfilment
I want love
etc.

Perhaps you found an answer similar to the ones above?

For the purpose of this post, let's just take the first one: I want peace.

By now we have seen quite conclusively that there is no such thing as a perfectly accurate prediction of what actually happens in this moment. Right?

So this moment may express itself as peace or war, as comfort or suffering, as anger or love, as hatred or joy, or anything else. Right? The truth is we don't know. So when this moment manifests disturbance or suffering of any kind, how does that relate to our wanting peace? In other words, when we want peace, how do we experience the suffering of this moment? Do we experience it as not having what we want? Check your own experience. Find out what comes up for you when you want peace and this moment brings suffering. Be totally honest with yourself. Explore gently.

If you discover that your experience is of not having what you want, then I would urge you to return to the question: What do I really want?.

You ask: Why?

Perhaps to see that this question has no answer.

Perhaps to see that whatever answer the mind comes up with will leave you wanting - either because your want shifts, (previous post), or because there is always the possibility that something may come up which is opposite to what you want.

Perhaps to see that in the very idea of your wanting something, you put it at a distance from yourself, you separate it out from you.

Perhaps to see that what you really deeply want is this moment as it is. No matter what it brings.

Perhaps to see that you are what you want.

Discover for yourself.

What am I really seeking? - Part 2

2008-12-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

A couple of posts back, I painted a scenario where you have an opportunity to tell God what you really want from your seeking. The only condition for fulfilment is that you be very clear about what you want. Time is no bar. God is very patient. :-)

I got a few different replies, some of which were posted on this blog and others to my direct email. Thanks for your participation.

In my experience, (shared by some of you) this question itself is very clarifying. Asking yourself :What do I really want?, can cut away so much of the meandering on the seeker's journey and can really bring you into the essence of what the seeking is about. It allows what is truly important to shine amidst the rubbish pile that pretends to be equally important. Have you seen that for yourself, clearly?

Looking back, perhaps we can each remember many different desires that sprung up in the mind - I really want to have a great job, I really want to have lots of money, I really want to be appreciated and loved, and so on. Perhaps some of those desires were fulfilled, and then what happened? If I really wanted a great job and I got it, then that should have been the end of it for me, is it not? But that's not what happened. After I got the great job, I wanted to get promoted, then I wanted to run the place and so on. After I made a lot of money, I wanted still more. When I had the appreciation of one set of people, I wanted it from another set of people. This is familiar ground, is it not?

And what this shows us is that the mind is quite capable of producing wants endlessly. Within every fresh want, is the implicit promise that this will be it; this one will make us feel fulfilled. But it has not happened yet.

For some of us, this is ok. It's ok to play this game yet again. Others have reached the end of their tether. So when answers start to arise to the question of What do I really want?, bring to bear the full weight of your experience with wants, as you see those answers. Don't rush to believe the answers. Subject them to some scrutiny.

The process of questioning is far more valuable than any answers the mind may produce. This does not mean that answers that come up are irrelevant. I would suggest that some of these answers are simply part of the questioning process. They put us in touch with some of our beliefs and in that sense they are useful. I am suggesting that we don't let those answers stop the questioning process, as if it was completed by getting those answers

Let me go out on a limb here.

You will know when an answer is authentic for you, for it will bubble up from the depth of your being. And it will have an insistent quality to it. You may find that it will connect the dots between all your wants. And (and this is where it can get really icky), it may not announce itself with great fanfare! The answer to this question may simply seep into your consciousness very quietly. You may even find yourself in the odd position of holding the question in the mind, long after the answer is already known and being acted upon. Then somehow the question - which is now only a shell - will just dry up and disappear on its own. I share this only because sometimes we may miss the answer because we are expecting it to look a particular way! And it may look that way or it may not.

Yes this is the last thing that the mind wants to hear! :-) All that effort in the inquiry and no clear-cut answer to point to and grab a hold of ! What a waste of time! - says the mind. And I would only say: don't believe the mind and don't reject it. :-)

Please feel free to write in again.

I will continue with this topic in a future post.

Acceptance

2008-11-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

Much confusion can arise around acceptance.

What is acceptance?

In the mind, we have an idea of what this means. We think of acceptance as something we have to do in the face of difficulty - a kind of grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it approach. This is so difficult to do when what is actually happening inside us, is this storm of resistance. Perhaps we are facing a difficult challenge and we have run out of options to address it. The thoughts running through the mind are taking the form of: This should not be happening. This is wrong and bad. Then we remember this spiritual advice of acceptance. To some it sounds beautiful and noble, but it also seems impossible to achieve! So we pretend to accept. To others it sounds like a good idea since nothing else is working, but it still seems very difficult to actually do!

Or perhaps we are living with someone who is being difficult, and we have learned through tough experience that we cannot change her. So we try to accept this person, either because it is the only option left to us, or because we want to be noble and try to feel good and loving toward this difficult person. It works for a while, but then the facade cracks, as all facades eventually do. And it feels so painful. Even when it works, it is such a burden to keep this kind of acceptance going. Right?

Is any of this familiar so far?

So is this the acceptance that is being pointed to?

Is acceptance something we have to struggle to do?

A friend of mine recently wrote this to me: Acceptance which seems so important and necessary and even noble to the mind is just a mound of dirt and rubble, heavy and lifeless, compared to choiceless awareness.

Acceptance is not something to do. Acceptance is choiceless awareness. It happens and it is happening all the time. We can just tune into it. It is much simpler than we think and it is abundantly available. There is already something here that accepts everything just as it is. It is the same something that allows everything to happen! What prevents us from tuning into it is the belief that this moment should be different. And if there is anything at all to do, then it is this: see this belief in operation. Only see it. See that this belief has formed in the mind. We did not make this belief, nor choose to have it installed. It is there quite innocently. See this. That really is all.

This acceptance is not passive, as mind fears. This acceptance does not freeze us into inaction. Look around you. Is life going on? This acceptance that is already here does not halt the flow of life. This acceptance is powerful and real and present. It is the source of all action.

Discover this for yourself.

Don't believe the mind and don't reject it

2008-11-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

A wise teacher said, Don't believe the mind and don't reject it either.

Sometimes, as seekers, we take the first part of that teaching to heart, but not the second part. Right?

Infact, the two parts can seem downright contradictory. If we don't believe the mind, then it seems like we must automatically ignore it. True. And the key word is automatically. This is the conditioned response of the mind. We are conditioned to have an either-or response. So if we embrace one pole, then it stands to reason and experience that we cannot embrace the opposite pole. But is that really true?

As we travel on the so-called spiritual path, many of our beliefs actually start to shed and drop away. And most seekers develop a growing and quite healthy inability to believe mind's endless thoughts. :-) But frustration can set in even in the midst of this growing clarity. The frustration can be that thoughts don't stop or that we feel stuck in the mind despite so much having fallen away.

This is where the second part of the teaching can come in handy. Don't reject the mind. Don't resist the mind. For we know that what we resist, persists. And then we feel stuck in the same rut of thoughts and beliefs. So if you feel frustrated, see if there is something of a rejecting attitude towards mind, and towards the thoughts and beliefs. It may be subtle, but even the most subtle rejection can potently reinforce mind.

Perhaps part of the difficulty is that mind keeps posing arguments that sustain it's either-or nature. So it insists that what is not believed must be rejected. Sometimes the seeker buys into this insistence and a certain hardness can develop. All this can be happening very subtly. If this rings a bell for you, tune into it. And expose it to the light of the question: Is it really true? Is it really true that if I don't believe mind, then I must reject it?

You may make surprising discoveries! :-)

Perhaps I can offer an analogy for the mind to consider.

Imagine that you are with an innocent young child. And this beloved child is telling you about the fairies and elves in the garden, or the the monsters under her bed. Would you believe her stories? No, but would you reject them? Isn't there that gentle place within us that can listen to the story, take delight in it and give it loving attention, without believing it? Go there.

This is the quiet ease with what is. This is the resting in the groundless ground. Discover yourself here.

What am I really seeking? - Part 1

2008-11-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

Bear with me here while I pose some funny questions.

Imagine that the ultimate truth itself came to you dressed up as God and said: I am here to confer a boon on you. You can have whatever you want, if and only if you can clearly tell me what you want.

What would your answer be?

Further, imagine that it is made very clear to you that this offer is open for all time. In other words, there is no expiry on this offer. :-) So no need to rush and no need to sweat.

What would your answer be?

Ask yourself: What am I really seeking? What do I really want?

Stick with this one question. Get curious about it. Discover what arises.

This is a key question. It can laser-focus your attention to that which matters for you.

Feel free to write in and share.

I will return to this in future posts.

What is grace?

2008-11-09T17:01:00.000-08:00

The seeker asks 'What is grace?'

After a lifetime of living in the mind, of worrying about himself and his worth, of feeling unfulfilled or stressed or unhappy or all of those, the seeker cannot be unfamiliar with the enormous power of mind to keep him in the trance. The seeker cannot be unfamiliar with thought's prolific ability to procreate! - One thought leading to another to another and to yet another, seamlessly and unceasingly.

Given this incessant nature of mind, what's to stop us from being enmeshed in its entrails forever?

Isn't that something to stop and consider?

What made the seeker a seeker? What put him on the journey to look beyond mind's babble? What put him on the journey to know his own truth? After all, he could have remained as he had for so long, - taking mind to be his full reality.

Whatever it is that does this - it births the seeker. It puts a spoke in the wheel of mind. It may start with a small spoke, but it knows what it is doing. For even the smallest spoke must start to affect the turning of the wheel, in it's own time.

So what is it? - This quiet, self-assured, powerful, loving force that can quiet mind? That, - dear seeker, - would be grace, - Is it not?

Grace births the seeker. Grace pulls the seeker back, again and again from the trance of mind. Grace finds the teacher, whether internal or external. Grace puts the seeker in the way of the teaching. And grace delivers the seeker into truth.

It is all grace. And deep, deep, deep gratitude is the response. Also from grace.

Who is enlightened? - Part 2

2008-11-04T13:48:00.001-08:00

So what is already enlightened?

What already has no argument with reality?

When we sit with this question and let it sink deep within us, we may first notice the resounding silence. The mind may launch an argument right away, wanting an answer to the vexing question. We don't have to settle for mind's prattle. We can notice the silence in the background, and see how the silence holds mind's argument. We can notice that the silence is aware of mind's argument, and yet offers no counter-argument of its own. We can notice this everpresent silent awareness. Is there a moment when this is not?

Arguments start and stop; noise starts and stops, objects in the mind appear and then disappear. Where do they go? Where did they arise? What is present before they arise and after they go? Everything appears in the everpresent silent awareness and returns to it.

And what is the everything that arises within awareness? Can it be anything other than awareness taking shape as something? Can it be 'made of some other substance'? Can a wave be anything other than water in different shapes? But this is not something to be deduced in the mind. See this for yourself. Get to the root of everything that pretends to be other than awareness. Get to the root of every argument with reality.

If I take myself to be this body-mind, then clearly I was born at some time and I must die at some time. What did I come from and where do I go? Notice mind's insistence on this identification with the body-mind. Alas, even the mind is not happy with this identification. If it were happy with it, then you would not be reading this post, right? :-) So notice that mind believes what it does because it does not know any better. But something inside us remains unfulfilled by mind's reasoning. That is the doorway. Go there if you can. Simply occupy that unease with a curiosity to find out what it really is. Don't be afraid of it - it is grace waiting to be received.

This everpresent silent awareness has no argument with reality. It is already enlightened and it is everything. And this means it is I. The I that you are is already enlightened. And all the feelings of unenlightenment are only enlightened awareness in different shapes - free to play in complete freedom - so free that there is nothing to lose even in feeling unenlightened.

For this here is forever enlightened, beyond feeling and thought. And from this enlightenment it plays a darned good game of virtual reality, so real that it fools itself quite successfully - a remarkable feat in itself. And this miraculous self-delusion is seen through and a belly-laugh arises from deep within.

So in summary,

I notice the everpresent silent awareness, that is present before all thoughts and arguments and after them. I see that that which appears and disappears within the everpresent silent awareness is nothing but awareness itself in different forms. I see that this body-mind too appears in the everpresent silent awareness. I see that I am the everpresent silent awareness. Nothing that this body-mind does can be other than the everpresent silent awareness. And it is from this seeing, and from this freedom that I can drop the argument with reality.

The wave knows itself to be water and from this knowing it is free to be a tsunami or a lapping beach wave. From this knowing it is free to be powerful and to be overpowered as the case may be. From this knowing it can advance or retreat as it may happen. This is water living as the wave. This is enlightenment living as you and I.

Who is enlightened? - Part 1

2008-10-29T16:54:00.001-07:00

Who is enlightened?

Ask this question to a seeker and he will point to the masters and teachers - someone other than himself.

What if we change the question slightly:

What is enlightened?

We are so accustomed to viewing enlightenment as the preserve of certain fortunate individuals, that asking what, instead of who, is enlightened, can put us in a bit of a quandary perhaps. :-) Let's throw another spanner in the works, and qualify the question further:

What is already enlightened?

This question now raises a prior question:

What do we mean by enlightened?

Enlightenment has been defined in several ways, and since I am concerned with enlightenment lived rather than enlightenment theorized, I am partial to the definition given by spiritual teacher and Jesuit priest, Anthony de Mello.

I believe he defined it thus:

Enlightenment is absolute co-operation with the inevitable.

Byron Katie says something similar - she invites us to drop the argument with reality.

Imagine your life lived in co-operation with reality, exactly as it occurs. What would it look like? What would it take to live so?

Is it possible to live in absolute co-operation with reality and still be 'unenlightened'?

Now with this definition of enlightenment, let's return to our question:

What is already enlightened?

In other words, what is already in absolute coperation with the inevitable? What simply does not argue with reality?

Look deeply within, and see what you discover. Sit with the question, as though only the question matters and not the answer. Don't settle for any pat answers. Let the answer reveal itself via the experience of holding the question with sincerity.

Feel free to share what you find with other readers on this blog.

I will return to this topic next week with Part 2.

Concept and reality

2008-10-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

In practical terms, what is concept, and what is reality?

I am no expert in matters philosophical, and so I am not referring here to academic or theological definitions. I am talking about looking at concept and reality in a way that can be applied realistically to our spiritual quest.

First of all, why is it important to look at the terms concept and reality? - Because on the spiritual journey, we are apt to mistake one for the other, and this can create some confusion.

Secondly, I suggest that concept and reality are not mutually exclusive! What I mean, is that one person's concept may be another person's reality and vice versa.

When a spiritual master says 'There is nobody' or 'All is one', she speaks from her reality, and her direct experience in the moment. For the student listening to her, it may sound like the ultimate truth, but he would have to look and see if it is indeed the reality for him in the moment.

Then the teacher may say that all suffering is only a concept in the mind. Again he speaks from his direct reality in the moment. But the student listening to these words will have to investigate for herself whether her own experience of suffering is real or not.

In each case, the teaching is at best a pointer - a finger pointing to the moon, as they say. When we mistake the pointing finger for the moon, we become confused.

'There is nobody' - is a spectacularly clear reality, and a particularly confusing concept. Imagine the plight of the student who looks upon this statement as the ultimate truth, without directly experiencing it. Her mind is liable to take the words literally and to discount her own experience as somebody. She is not sure whether she can trust her body-mind or anything it experiences, because doing so would assert the somebodiness which she believes to be in contradiction to the truth. For this student, at this time, the ultimate truth is a concept. And simply seeing that can clear the confusion.

There is nothing wrong with a concept. There is great beauty in it. For even as a concept, the ultimate truth finds great resonance in the student, because deep within her she knows the truth of it. Then when this truth finds expression in her direct experience, concept is now reality.

A concept is a concept when it is not aligned with experience. Concept and reality collapse into one another in the miracle of experience.

No matter what the experience is - ecstatic, good, bad or ugly, - stay with it and you cannot stray from the truth. Negate or deny your experience and you fall into the false division of concept or reality.

Seeking happens

2008-10-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

The Buddhist monk hits the air with his stick, and says, 'You want to know the truth? Here it is!'.

Of course the mind gets puzzled and the seeker gets frustrated. His pursuit of truth is too intense, and his aspiration to be there, too lofty, to be appeased by such apparent whimsy. Yet something about the response must cause the seeker to pause. After all, what does it mean when the sublime search can end in so trivial a matter, as a stick waving in the air!

This pause is really among the first jolts to the identity of the seeker. For it makes him go to what appears like a very scary place -'What if the truth that I am seeking is something I don't like at all?', he asks himself querulously. This is when it starts to get really interesting. What has so far seemed like a long and rewarding journey with more and more beautiful stops along the way, suddenly threatens to reach an arid spot, and maybe even stay there forever!

The thing about truth though is that once you glimpse it, nothing else can satisfy you. So the seeker may try to undo his fearful question, may attempt to shake it off, and get back to where he was - comfortable in his glorious quest, but all in vain. He can no longer convince himself to strive like before. He is now terribly frustrated and try as he might, he simply doesn't know what to do.

Right in this moment, the truth appears again, - as a fleeting intuition, a gentle reminder - most likely ignored. The seeker is in his mind, feeling angry, and hopeless about his situation, when the truth touches him. And when finally the anger is spent and the hopelessness has exhausted itself, that very touch revives him! It comes to him to follow the truth, even to be led by it. With no other choice, he goes. It takes him deeper and deeper in, past the mind, and past every idea of enlightenment ever held. And now he is in so deep, that he is at the root of everything. There is nothing but truth.

His x-ray vision can see through the layers. The lofty, the trivial,the high and low - they are all the same. The truth is life happening in this moment. - No matter what happens, no matter if he likes it or not. The frustration is it, and so is the confusion. The anger is it, as is the peace. No change required to anything, yet it changes all the time. No need for anything to happen, and yet the universe swirls around in the endless dance.

No need to seek and yet seeking happens.

All is one

2008-09-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

The unborn wishes to be born
Don't stop the birthing

The completion wishes to give
Don't stop the receiving

The stillness wants to soar
But we fear the falling

The eternal wants to live
But we fear the dying

Let the perfection express itself
As imperfection
Let stillness speak
Let greatness become small

When freedom itself soars
Soaring is same as falling

When freedom itself lives
Dying is same as living

Undivided undivided
All is one

Emptiness fills itself

2008-09-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

This one falls and falls
And falls all away

And empties and empties
And empties right through

And everything disappears
Yet nothing is denied!

This emptiness lives
And this emptiness dies

This emptiness sings
and this emptiness cries

And filling to the brim with sourceless love
It remains empty, empty, empty, ever-empty

Suffering in the world

2008-09-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

Seeing suffering in the world
I suffer

Tears for the victim
Anger and fear towards the aggressor

I close my eyes
In pain

When they open again
Something shifts

A question arises
Is the victim just a victim?

I look again
And the answer is no

The victim is much more
I touch her vastness

I feel her presence
I inhale her freedom

I had frozen her victimness
In my mind

Oh God!
I am the aggressor

In panic, I turn
Towards the aggressor

But he is gone too
With the victim

Into the vastness
The vastness of us all

All freedom

2008-08-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

Knowing what I am
I choose to be another
Freedom

Knowing what I am
I choose to not know what I am
Freedom of delusion

Not knowing what I am
I believe myself to be another
Delusion of freedom

Not knowing what I am
What knows me frees itself of me
Grace

All is knowing what I am
All is freedom

The Point of It

2008-08-28T18:47:00.000-07:00

What is the point of this?
Bird singing

What is the point of this?
Bud blooming

What is the point of this?
Sun shining

Stars twinkling
Moon glowing
Girl laughing
Ball bouncing

Boundless miracles
Only gratitude, gratitude, gratitude

Beyond intellectual understanding

2008-08-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes on the spiritual search we come to a point, where our experience is that we have understood what is being pointed to, at an intellectual level, but it has not sunk deeper than that. The mind is still busy and we can still get easily lost in trance. This can be puzzling and frustrating.

At the same time, we also experience a deep knowing that what is being pointed to is true. Is it not? Indeed this knowing is what keeps us on the path even when we are frustrated and don't seem to 'get' it.

So first let's take this moment to acknowledge that which keeps bringing us back to our desire for truth. The mind may spin in all directions, and then something calls us back to the awareness of the spinning mind. At the moment that we are aware, the spinning mind has ceased, and is now a memory. Let's take this moment to celebrate this grace that reminds us again and again of the awareness that we are. In this acknowledgement we open to the grace more and more.

Now when the thought arises that I have not yet got enlightenment, we can see that thought itself. See how it spawns a whole belief system about yourself. It may even masquerade as an honest thought - I haven't got it can seem like the honest truth. And it is real for you, until it isn't.

So stay with the thought with the attitude of a curious scientist. In other words, see if you can observe your whole experience with this thought, simply with a desire to know what is really going on. Notice if other thoughts arise; perhaps fear, perhaps boredom? Discover for yourself.

When something inside us resonates with truth very strongly, the mind must work smarter to cover it up, not because mind is evil, but because that is mind's job. So we can simply notice the hard-working mind, and its efforts. This seeing of our entire experience around a thought is at once the seeing through it.

Often the mind deploys boredom and fear very effectively. Our great fear is that without thoughts to engage us, life would be very boring and completely empty. Again this seems like an honest and innocent thought, and yet, if this is believed then it can give rise to a plethora of other thoughts to keep us enmeshed in the trance. So watch if this thought arises and see if you are believing it. If so, ask yourself - Is it true that there is boring emptiness without thoughts to engage me? Is it really true?

Even just asking this question means that we have opened up to a different possibility.

When we believe our thoughts strongly, we become those beliefs and we look at life from those beliefs. Then it becomes difficult to separate out those beliefs from us, and we assume that the beliefs are true. So questioning our beliefs is very powerful. The answers don't matter. The questions do all the work!

By its very nature a belief militates against the truth. When we believe something, the mind must work to keep it 'true' in time. This is contrary to the freedom of truth which is totally free to be something new every moment. As soon as I have a belief, I have invested in a future in which this belief will be 'true' for me. This is exactly how the mind veers away from ever-changing reality - by insisting on 'permanence' over time, by investing in a future.

So beliefs are like the wall that the mind uses to bounce thoughts off, like balls. So long as the wall exists, we are captivated by the surface reality of bouncing balls. When the wall collapses, the thoughts surrender to gravity and stop their furious and quite pointless activity. What happens then? This fear of what happens when the bouncing stops, is the wall of last resort that restores the trance.

Recognize the fear for what it is and discover what lies inderneath.

Back from India

2008-08-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

I am just back from India. What a wonderful time!

Order among chaos. Small joys within ordinary existence. Contentment amidst great difficulty.

Driving down a chaotic high-traffic road is a reminder of what holds us up. For it surely is not the the efficient roadway or the great traffic control system at work. The mind, used to American infrastructure, can panic and freeze, - aghast at the myriad possible ways in which accidents could occur! Miraculously the moment passes safely for the entire street of cars and people and life, as far as the eye can see. And another safe moment and another and another.....Miracles abound!

A dirty urchin, not more than 10 years old, polishes shoes for a living. Speaking in good English, learned in a few years at school, he boasts about the daily earnings that keep his siblings fed, after the death of their father. His refusal to take money without delivering its worth in services shatters automatic conclusions about the relationship of poverty to a lack of dignity. His mother will beat him for begging, he tells me with a grin on his face.

Not that any of these aspects of India are new to me - I grew up in India. But going back provides a new perspective each time.

And no perspective by itself is the truth. The same one is looking from all the perspectives. The same one is different in different situations. The same one is experiencing life in so many amazing ways. The same one is beyond everything and in it at the same time.

Changing your experience

2008-07-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

Do you want to change your experience?

The chances are that if this moment is unpleasant or stressful in any way, then you probably do want to change your experience. Is it not so? It is important to notice if this is so.

There is a whole world of ways out there that you can choose from to change your experience. And in life, we try many of them. By the time we come to the spiritual search, we have realized that many, and even most of them, do not ultimtately work.

On the spiritual journey, we may have lost our belief in many solutions out there, but we may retain one key belief - suffering is not ok and it must go. When I say suffering, I mean the entire range of feelings from mild discontent to acute stress.

Suffering is not ok, goes the belief, so we accumulate more and more subtle and sophisticated techniques to change our experience - to not suffer.

We have the idea that if we keep successfully changing our experience enough times using this or that technique, then somehow there will come a time when that change will stick and become a permanent state of unmitigated bliss.

There is nothing wrong with this, of course.

I mention all this because perhaps there comes a time when we may fall through to a place where nothing works. There is nowhere to turn to and nothing to depend on. And this is experienced as helplessness or depair or misery or anger or whatever else. And we feel completely overwhelmed.

With no effective technique and no defense against this onslaught, we are simply swallowed by it. And it feels like the end of everything. Which perhaps it is. It takes everything away.

There is good news here - for what it can take away completely is also the belief that suffering is not ok and needs to be changed. This is actually quite a relief, but not because relief was sought.

Sometimes all these words seem very paradoxical. What is being suggested is this:

When suffering arises, and there is no belief that it needs to be changed, then we respond to suffering from freedom. We may then happen to act in such a way that suffering stops, or we may not. Either way the action does not arise from a fear of the suffering. It arises from the freedom of experience.

This is the difference.

We no longer need to change our experience and our experience is free to change.

Unconditional love

2008-06-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

Like a wave that appears
In the ocean
I appear
Separate in form
Apparently

Then when it has had enough
Of separation
The wave dips back
Into the everpresent ocean
As I do

The ocean that embraces me
Is unconditional love
Eternal, independent,
Forever ready
To take me back

And when I rise again
I am the ocean
Rising as a wave
Never in doubt
Of what it really is

Awareness acting

2008-06-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

Who has made the choice to have this life experience?

Who made the choice to inhabit this particular perspective that views the world in this particular way? Apparently formed in this body-mind, from genes and conditioning?

This question arises when we see that there is something here that can observe the body-mind. This question arises when we see that someting here is aware of this perspective. What is the something? It is I. I am this that is aware of the body-mind and I am this that is aware of this perspective.

In the awareness of one body-mind is the awareness of all body-minds. In the awareness of one perspective is the awareness of all perspectives. The bodies and minds and perspectives differ. The awareness is the same and I am that awareness. This awareness that I am, was here before my body-mind was here. And it will be here when my body-mind is gone.

Where is this awareness when I am not aware of being it? Where is this awareness when I am lost to the body-mind and its perspective? It is still here - this awareness. Where can it go? It is true that sometimes I am not aware of being the awareness. So sometimes I believe I am the body-mind and its perspective. And sometimes I see the body-mind and its perspective from what seems like somewhere outside of the body-mind and its perspective. So sometimes I am the awareness and sometimes I am the body-mind. Which is real?

When an actor plays a part in a play, he finds himself inhabiting the role fully. He is completely immersed in the character he plays. He forgets who he is in real life. He laughs as the character and he cries as the character. He feels the pain of the character's sorrow and rejoices in the character's joy. It is real while it lasts. But it does not last. The play does not last. And when the play is done, the character dissolves. And when the character dissolves, the reality behind the character emerges again. The actor finds himself back in his own reality. So where was the reality when the actor was immersed in the character? Was it lost? Even when the actor forgot his own reality and was totally lost in the play, did it change the reality of who he was? No. All that happened was that the actor forgot his reality and assumed another identity - temporarily.

And whose choice is it to assume another identity? Who decides to play the part of this character for a while? The choice is made by the actor in reality. Not by the character in the play. While the actor plays his role, he is both the actor and the character. He is the actor as the character. He is the actor wearing a mask. And all the characters in the play treat each other as though they are real. But they are not. If you didn't know this, you would argue this reality. Your mind would provide all the evidence to prove that the characters are real. But that would not make them real. They would remain characters in a play. Only you would be fooled, forgetting your own reality, and the reality of us all in the play.

Now imagine a play in which an actor drops his act! What would such a play look like? The actor can't take his role seriously. He can't take any of the characters seriously. He cannot obscure his reality. And when he drops his act, the other characters don't know how to react to him. They try to carry on their act, but whenever they interact with this actor, their act crumbles. The script is not panning out. Something shifts. The play is altered.

And all this shifting and alteration is in the play. The reality of all the actors is still unchanged by what happens in the play.

So back to where we started - who made the choice for this body-mind to be born? Who will make the choice for it to die?

Who is asking this question? Is it the mind or the awareness of it? What is aware of the question being asked?

You see, awareness has no questions, and it is aware of all questions. And I am this awareness. And you are this awareness.

The rest is a play.

What is real?

2008-06-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

Disagreeable things arise.

Mind's natural response is to judge them - bad, unpleasant, evil, unhappy, wrong, violent, and on and on.

It would be nice if mind didn't judge them. And sometimes it does not. And that's nice. And at other times, it does judge them. And that's not so nice! Do you see the judgement right here? :-)

Mind judges. That's what it does for a living!

We enter mind and we enter duality. And judgements are the poles of this duality. Good and bad, right and wrong and so on.

The next time mind rushes to judgement, notice what happens along with judgement.

When we judge something as good, the natural inclination is to stay in the goodness - to keep it. And when we judge something as bad, the natural urge is to fix it, to do something about it! Is it not? Discover if this is true for you.

So the urge arises to fix what is wrong or bad. And we follow the urge and the mind gets busy fixing and problem-solving.

The mind moves from judgement to more mind activity - review and analysis of the problem and an evaluation and implementation of the solution!

And throughout this process, awareness simply watches. It lets all the mind's moves arise within it, without judgement.

Awareness sees the judgement arise. Awareness sees the urge to fix arise. Awareness watches what the mind does with the urge.

When we are the awareness watching the mind, is there is a need to fix anything?

We are like the ocean holding a rising wave - no attempt to flatten it out.

Awareness is the acceptance of everything that arises, without a need to change anything.

If change arises, it too arises within this awareness, as awareness. What arises, comes from beyond the mind. The mind interpretes it, like a screen that catches the light and makes a whole world of fantasy from that source. The mind is the movie maker, - the virtual reality machine.

Judgements are part of the movie, problems are part of the movie and fixing problems is part of the movie too.

And movies are not real.

So we discover what is real. Each for oneself.

Freedom

2008-06-05T12:37:00.001-07:00

Are there 2 sides to freedom?

We tend to associate freedom with the freedom from suffering. We want to be free of everything that limits us and constrains us and holds us back. Is it not?

And then we start to notice that this freedom does indeed exist. We can be free of suffering. We are free of suffering. We are free from mind's prattle. We are free of being hurt and feeling rejected. For we are not defined by any of those things.

And then we settle into this freedom with great delight. We feel expanded and happy.

And then reality strikes and we notice that all is not perfect. There are still 'bad' moments. - Moments when we don't feel quite so free.

So we remember the wise teaching. The one that says we are not what happens, but rather the awareness of what happens. And thank God - what a relief - the teaching works! And we go back to feeling free of the suffering yet again.

For now.

Then reality strikes again. And again and again.

There comes a time perhaps when the teaching 'stops' working! And no matter what wisdom we drag up from the depth of our being, we don't quite feel free. Even if we kid ourselves, there is something inside us that knows the truth. We simply don't feel quite free in this moment.

So what is happening?

Perhaps this is where the other side of freedom presents itself.

We can notice that freedom is also the freedom to feel 'not free'. Of course this is paradoxical. But we can let our experience teach us beyond the paradox.

The eagle that soars must also swoop down. For it depends on that which is earth-bound to feed it.

In other words, let not the taste of expansion become such an addiction that we are in bondage to it. Let it not be so grasped that we are not free to be small when we are small.

Be free from and of limitation and be free to be limited. And let reality show us how freedom dances between the two!

Eternal intersection

2008-05-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

Everything begins here.

And why not? If everything can be said to have a beginning, then it can equally be here as anywhere else! Where does a sphere start? Where does it end? How about here?

So that's the other side of no beginning-no end. Yes there is no beginning to our reality and no end. So then, anything and everything can be a beginning (and an end)! How about here?

So we come to this magical point of our direct reality - right here, right now! This is where everything intersects. With nothing. With itself. Eternal intersection.

And what's happening right here right now?

What allows it to happen?

See that love. Discover that as you.

Witness the birth of I

2008-05-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

Notice the movement of air around you right now.

Is it a gust of wind strongly felt?

Is it a gentle breeze quite pleasant?

Is it simply still?

Whatever it is, can you say about it - This is my gust of wind, or This is my gentle breeze, or This is my stillness?

This simply is, as it is. And we notice it. Is it not?

Thoughts are like the movement of air too.

Whether they are big and gusty, or peaceful, or still, they simply are.

Who makes them mine? - My thoughts?

What arises to claim ownership?

See that one who is born with thoughts, born only to own them.

Be the one who witnesses this birth.

In the flow

2008-05-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

I - this body-mind
With thoughts. feelings, actions
I am in the flow
The flow of life

What I do
Is life doing me
What I live
Is life living me

I am the teardrop
That rolls down the cheek
Moved by the heart
Not separate from it

I am that
By which
Life experiences itself
Such joy, such joy

To be this
Only this
All this

Embrace this moment...

2008-05-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

We worry about what tomorrow will be, and the day after. We worry about whether or not we will become spiritually evolved enough. Or perhaps materially evolved enough. We worry about being enough.

What a burden we carry. And all the time that we spend worrying is about something that isn't even here yet. Tomorrow is not here yet. Now is what is here now. This is like throwing away the jewel in your hand right now, for the guarantee of a jewel in your hand tomorrow! Yet why would we value tomorrow what we cannot value this moment?

See through mind's madness.

If indeed there is something to do, it is simple. Embrace this moment. As it is.

And when the mind rebels against this statement, simply embrace that rebellion, for that is what this moment is presenting.

The mind's rebellion is not a force opposing the awareness. It cannot be. The mind's rebellion is an opposing force within the awareness.

What's the difference?

Imagine a tornado with all its fierce destructive energy that seems to flatten out everything in its wake. Wherever the tornado expands, space makes place for it to expand! Space simply holds this whirling swirling tornado without any judgement. Can the tornado said to be opposing this space? Or arising in it?

Awareness is like that. No matter what storm the mind kicks up, awarenes allows it to happen, and simply holds the mind without judgement.

Be that awareness which you are and embrace this moment.

This moment becomes the next and the next and now you are holding life.